What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

To commentate the anniversary of D-Day, hundreds have parachuted from RAF planes onto the beaches at Normandy.

In response, President Macron has issued France's unconditional surrender




Helen Worth sad to be leaving Coronation Street after 50 years.
Don't worry love, keep your chin up.




Helen Worth, who plays Gail Platt, is leaving Coronation Street after 50 years.

Looks like ET phoned home, and home answered.



Gail Platt may not have been in Coronation Street since D-day.

But 50 years means she's been there since Waterloo.



Gail Platt actress Helen Worth to quit Corrie after 50 years. She says she wants to follow her dream that she was born to do…

Become a mini boglin



I can tell I know nothing about the soaps because I had no fucking clue Luca Modric was retiring from Corrie before football





I've just won an Elvis Presley competition To claim my prize I had to make a phone call and I was given a choice of prizes I had to press 1 for the money 2 for show




If you know anybody suffering from morbid obesity be kind they've already got enough on their plate.




It’s funny how smells bring back childhood memories like I was once reminiscing about my Nan’s brown crusty bloomers when on a tour of the pilchard canning factory.






"Do you know who I am? I'll have your job for this. "

"Yes Donald, you're a fucking convicted criminal, now shut the fuck up before I throw you in the shower with the gay boys. "





Man arrested over sex offence allegedly committed on flight heading to Ibiza.

Fucking hell, talk about impatient!



There's been some confusion about the identity of the woman who threw a milkshake at Farage.

Shockingly, there may be more than one satsuma-sprayed, piss-bleached, baboon arse-lipped, plastic-faced slapper in Essex.



Could someone with more 'graphic' skills than me please 'find' a Victoria Thomas-Bowen Onlyfans squirter pic...?





I just saw my wife take out more cones than Oprah at the ice cream palace !!

I wondered how that bitch would do the first time I ever saw her drive through construction.



I love extra stuff for free.

I've just held my cock up against a Subway footlong.

The roll must be at least a foot and a half.



Ice cream man arrested after pulling a Magnum on a kid.


I’ll get me white coat…

and me scoop.





All the money I've ever spent on food in my lifetime has been flushed down the toilet.



Diane Abbot has decided to release a Shania Twain single, but she’s renamed it, I feel like a racially discriminated against transgender neutral.



The wife said she saw a fox on the way to work this morning.
I said how did you know it was going to work ?




Fashion tip for the ladies - the girl over the road has been wearing a bandana for about 2 months now and she's almost beach body ready bitches.

[Bikkie]

Today I learned that moths can make their genitals vibrate to throw off a bat's sonar.

Now I'm learning to helicopter my dick so the cops can't triangulate my phone signal.




My Ducky Dennis has gone fishing.
I do like a man... especially when he takes his tackle out.

Oooooooh.



Driving to work this morning, I got stuck behind one of those training vehicles for bus drivers.

I ended up late for work, as did every other cunt on that route.

So I'm guessing the driver training was a success.



Started a new job as a security guard last week and my boss told me to watch the office.
Bastard came in and sacked me today and I was only up to the episode where David Brent did his charity dance.



I have been swopping kinky emails with this blond georgeous bird on line.

I sent her £500 to come and meet me so we could have sex.

She turned out to be a 19 year old black nigerian male scammer.

I was shocked.

So I sent him another £500, after all, a hole is a hole.




You know you're an adult when you have a garden full of plants you can't smoke.




What did Rik Mayall have in common with Jimmy Saville?

They were both paid by the BBC to be in The Young Ones and Bottom.



Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.




On the park, my dog always comes when he's called.

Be less embarrassing if he just ran over to me.



I've never said this publicly but during Pride Month, I'm so proud of my sons.

For loving pussy.


Just paid £20 for lobster tails so the server sat me down and said "Once upon a time, there was this lobster...



I have an American girlfriend who's tried to turn me on by dressing up like Lara Croft.

I just hope those guns aren't real.



In Japanese culture there's something called "rui-katsu", in which people actually try to induce tears because they think it will release repressed emotions or something.

I have since decided to start trying to induce physical sickness in myself, possibly to get that which is unhealthy out of my system. Let's see where this goes.

I'm about to sit down and put on some music by Adele...




I was walking up the street with Trilby hat on, and came across a man with a bowler hat on.

My trilby sat to the bowler hat, 'Whose that American hat behind you, is that your lad?'

'No,' said the bowler hat, 'That's my Stetson.'




Your not chick's with dicks your dudes with boobs you attention seeking tampon dodging fuckers!




Ex President Bush decided to go on a peace keeping mission to Israel, when he got there, to his horror everybody ignored him, so he stopped one in the street & asked why. The Jew looked at him & said “We only talk to bushes when they’re on fire”



"What happens inside a black hole?" Asked the scientist Neil de grasse Tyson.
"It gets destroyed and can never repair itself again!" Said his cell mate unzipping his pants...


Just finished watching Atlas with Jennifer Lopez where she controls an AI robot with 4 arms.

Quite the coincidence because whenever I see her I grow a 3rd leg.



I asked a cowboy about the ethics of bestiality.

He gave me a steer.

[Bikkie]

So an electrician gets home at 2am.
His wife asks "wire you insulate?"
He replies "watts it to you. "I'm ohm aren't i?"...



Football tournaments are like sex in a new relationship. 3 times a day and then gradually decreasing in regularity until you feel you deserve a trophy for a single performance.




Most entertaining thing I've seen at the Euros so far is Croatia's impersonation of Scotland.




What do Scotland's football team and Scotland's Mars bars have in common?

Battered.'



I've nicknamed the wife "Scotland" because she kicks off every 15 minutes.



I had an email from a colleague saying "Report to the office on Monday at 9am for diversity training. No exceptions"


Fuck me, I thought. I didn't except Combat 18 to ever be affected by this


What do you call a Chinese man with one leg shorter than the other?

Wong Ki.



My Tourettes suffering friend told me that on July 4th, we have a choice


"Cunts, cunts, Utter bastard fucking cunts"


He's cured



The Albanian football team shocked a few people.

You don't normally see that many Albanians in one place, apart from an English B&B.



What does a nymphomaniac chicken sound like?

"Ahh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck..."




My best mate is gutted. He had his fiancée's name tattooed on his arm yesterday, and she's literally just given him the elbow


All is not lost though. He got England 0-0 Serbia done on the other




I am a proud non-binary transgender person of colour and my pronouns are xe / xem / xyr.

But I'm not allowed in my local LGBT transgender community because I have a moustache like Charlie Chaplin's?



She looked disappointed when I pulled my trousers down.
"You said that you had a cock that would test my gag reflex."
"It will," I replied. "Wait till you smell it."



What's brown, hard, 10 inches long, with a wet end after sucking on it?

A black cock, you cigar haters



What do gay squirters keep on their bed?

Scatter cushions.


Santa Claus's pronouns are ho/ho/ho.

Also prostitutes'.



Feminism: Give women equality with men.

Men: Okay.

Feminism: Women are more stressed and miserable than ever.

Men: Welcome to equality.


My jokes self-identity as funny.

It's pronouns are He/He/He




Whenever I'm in the mood for dating, I always go for women in wheelchairs. They're easier to pull... and push.
And if she gets too clingy, I can always wheel clamp her to a lamppost


My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep.

All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Slayer fan.



The best thing about German birds is they don't mind you pissing in a bush.


“How many girlfriends have you had before me?" she asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue.

Fucking stupid question.



My ex wife texted me, "Wish you were here."

She does this every time she walks through a cemetery.




The wife and I are on holiday in Centre Parcs Sherwood Forest, laying naked on the bed.

I want sex, she said no but I'll bring her round with my wit, charm and massive cock.

At the moment, she can't see the trees for the wood.

[Bikkie]

BBC
"Hamburg Police shoot man with axe."
That can't be easy.



Had £5 on Harry Kane completing 4 dribbles tonight.....
Bet came in when he was halfway through singing the National Anthem


England players wearing the LGBT+ shirts.

Are they hoping for Brownie points?.


My Dad put his blood, sweat and tears in his work

Hard working bloke but a terrible chef.



My dad always taught me that whenever you're outnumbered and things are getting awkward, focus on the biggest guy and use extreme violence to take him out hard and fast.
Thanks dad... Safe to say I won't be being asked back by that interview panel.



Watching Denmark vs Slovenia and Denmark, in red shirts, have a player named Bah.


For a moment I thought wales were playing.



Not sure why football uses female referees.

They keep bringing up penalties that happened 10 matches ago.


I was recently asked what I think of England's chances in the UEFA Euros.

I said, "Their chances are just like when I take a beautiful woman home after drinking all night - I get to a semi and then flop."



I once had a 69 with a dwarf


Did you cum?


No but I gave her shoes a bloody good clean



I love my flat screen TV.
But trying to turn one on without a remote is like a preteen boy fondling his first girlfriend.



To those who say it's all the same laying down...

I had a 69 with a midget and only licked her feet.


Gordon Ramsay has a new newspaper column where he reviews ready meals. It's called "Prick with a fork".


If one gay woman is a rug muncher, is a lesbian orgy a shag pile?


To the person who stole my place in the queue just be aware. I'm after you now..


What app do gays use when they want colonic irrigation with a liquid made by crushing dark beans from a tropical bush into a powder?

Coffee Grindr.



I hear there's an app for Asian gay men and their admirers.

It's called Spice Grindr.



My first night in prison my cellmate said to me; 'Blood on my knife, or shit on my dick.'

I didn't fancy bleeding on his knife, so I took a shit on his dick.

[Bikkie]

Sir Ian McKellen is the only man that can act with 3 wizards sleeves at the same time.



Sir Ian McKellen had an accident onstage during a performance.

Hardly surprising when you consider his age, and what his arse has been through over the years.




Sir Ian McKellan falling off the London stage, straight onto a young mans lap.

Those blood curdling screams weren't of pain, but of excitement!



Sir Ian McKellen ok after theatre accident.

He later joked about his early acting days saying this is not the first time I've bruised a bone while entering Noel Coward's trap door





Justin Timberlake may face prison following his drink-driving arrest.

He'll be praying his cellmate doesn't think he's got a sexybackside.



Justin Timberlake should have got a taxiback



Justin Timberlake tried to escape during his arrest for drink driving.

He can't stop the fleeing.



'Singer Justin Timberlake has been arrested over allegations of driving while intoxicated in the US, police have said.'
"Cry me a pint of guinness!" He said to the arresting cop...






BBC NEWS: Mick Hucknall has been arrested after being caught making love to a rabbit...
a police source says..'He was holding back the ears whilst singing..Bunny's too tight to mention'.



Never knew how similar that Mike basset film was to the England team. My dvd stopped playing half way through as well.

[Bikkie]

In response to a post match interview question, Gareth Southgate argued, “Of course I know what I’m doing with my tactics! I keep them in my pocket and suck on one now and again, to keep my breath fresh and minty!”



The dairies of Prince Andrew:


21st June 2024


That Spanish 16 year old last night was amazing!

Lamine Yamal isn't too bad either



Paddy gets home from the pub, pissed as a fart. Wife says, “OK Smart Arse, you’ve got lipstick on your collar… Explain that!”
“Easy,” he replies, “I used my shirt to wipe my cock!”


A thorough investigation into Just Stop Oil has revealed that simply 'being noticed' is not an accomplishment




Why do thieves never target politicians’ homes?

Professional courtesy.




Following a disciplinary at work, my boss told me that my future conduct as a bus driver needed to be "whiter than white"


So I made all the black passengers sit at the back



I'm old enough to remember when ice cream only came in a box.

The same as my cock did.



People who go to McDonalds for a salad make me laugh.

It's like going to a crack house for vitamins.



Thailand legalised same-sex marriage after a historic vote.

So pleased. I can now marry the beautiful bride I ordered from Thailand last year .




Three lads in the playground bragging about how fast their dads are.

"My dad is faster than a lion," says the first boy.

The second laughs and said, "Mine is faster than a cheetah".

The third is not impressed and says, "mine is faster, he works for the council."

The boys look confused until he explains, "He finishes work at 5pm but he's home by half past two."

[Bikkie]

Has anyone noticed that most of the Netherlands team are of African descent?

It makes sense as orange is the new black.



Speed dating. Got coupled with a flat chested geek who asked me what plants I like?.

Implants did not get the laugh I thought it deserved.


Looking forward to Belgium v France in the African Nations final.



My wife and I were discussing what we'd like to happen at the end of our lives. She asked me where I'd like to be buried.

I probably shouldn't have said, "Balls deep in your sister".


Tories pledge focus on pubs and clubs in the first 100 days.

Drowning their sorrows at a guess!


I wanted to learn more about how to be a better friend of the Jewish people

So I asked my Israeli friend for a few tips.



My mate asked 'if you could only wank one more time ever, who would you do it to?'
I said 'probably myself'



"My local butcher has just been told he is critically obese."

"What does he weigh?"

"Meat, usually"



Scientists are saying they have found microplastics in penises.

Must be Asian ones.

I just checked and found a 2 litre Fanta bottle in mine.


Bankrupt Bradley Wiggins’s fat ex-wife has declared she’ll “Never turn my back on him”.

Where the fuck’s he going to park his bike now?



I confessed to my friend that I'd been having sex with my Labrador.

"Is it a male or female dog?" he asked.

"Female, of course," I replied, "I'm not fucking weird."



Wild Thang, an eight-year-old Pekingese, has been crowned as the winner of this year's World's Ugliest Dog competition.

Miriam Margolyes, "Hold my beer."



Everything is so PC nowadays you can't even say black paint.
It's still better than 'Oi nigger, get that wall painted'



As I am a bit of a messy eater my Mum was really pleased with me this morning because I didn’t spill my yoghurt.

She won’t be so pleased though when she has to change my sheets later.


Wayne Rooney thinks 50 Shades Of Grey is a mail-order bride service


Vera Lynn got so much attention that she overshadowed her plucky younger sister, Amanda.


Jay Slater should change his name to Days Later.



No matter how enraged Germaine Greer gets,
she’ll never be as irate as her sister, Anne


Three things I learned whilst fucking Taylor Swift.
1. She has a tight pussy with no pubes.
2. Her tits are perfectly formed with nice nipples.
3. The staff at Madame Tussuads are really quick at calling the police.


From now, the Dutch football team will be known as the All-blacks rather than the Orange men


A black man goes into a Chinese takeaway and says, "Yo sup, my chink?"


England were 'awful, sloppy, fatigued, lifeless and tepid' against Denmark, say the pundits.

It was like watching the Kardashians.



2 Muslims in a bath, one says to the other
"Keep paddling, I can see England ''



Screwfix my arse.

They wouldn't even look at the rounded head on min


I'm a big fan of Chubby Checker.

Or 'Weightwatchers' as they now insist on calling it.


Gary Lineker
Gary Southgate
Gary Neville

Why the fuck are they always called Gary?

[Piper]

$5.00 for petrol and $6.00
for diesel.
Somebody needs to tell
Pride Month to chill.
Not all of us like getting
fucked in the arse.

[Bikkie]

What do you call 23 men watching the Euros 2024?

The Scotland National Team...



Gareth Southgate is the kind of guy who would wear a life jacket when using a rowing machine.



Not seen our new neighbours who moved in today while I was at work.

But just heard one of the kids shout Dad, so at least I know they aren't black


A patient with his GP:
- What's the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?
The doc answers:
- The flavour, my good man, the flavour...




I went on a killing spree earlier today.

For like 15 minutes I was screaming "NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER..."


We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF.

Personally, I don't see how buying some uniforms and guns and moving to Israel is going to help at all.



UK's richest family, the Hindujas, are worth £37bn but bring in domestic servants from India, confiscating their passports and paying them just £6.19 A DAY.

Well, you have to look after your family.


At the Doctor's surgery, they have a sign that states, 'Lost Property. Ask at reception for lost property.'

I did and they got all funny with me.

Apparently, it has to be mine originally.


Gareth Southgate is the kind of guy who wears a condom even after a vasectomy


Rappers spend thousands of dollars on grillz to make their teeth gold.

Jokes on them, I got golden teeth for free by not brushing!

Naked swimmers mark Australia's winter solstice. The swim in the River Derwent in Hobart took place at the crack of dawn.


I dropped a £10 note while out shopping this morning...
Before I could pick it up, it blew off down the road...

I chased after it, but couldn't catch it, still, I had a good run for my money!


Trains overheating in Britain bemuse me, they still run in India with an extra 2000 body weight.



I have found the fastest way to evacuate any crowd.

Simply yell at the top of your lungs "Allahu Akbar!"



I was in the shower at the gymnasium and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi visibility jacket! I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide!!


What's black and doesn't work?

Half of Gareth Southgate's selections.

What's white and doesn't work?

The other half.




A 91 year old woman is in the news because she has taken up belly dancing.

Which is unusual because 91 year old women normally prefer hip op.


Taylor Swift fan furious after being sold £700 VIP ticket with obstructed view at Wembley Stadium.

I'd pay more than that to have my view obstructed,