What's your sickest joke?

[Piper]

I took a girl home last night, but when things
got passionate she pulled away, away saying
"I'm sorry, but last time I had sex it was like
the 100 metre final."
I laughed "Oh Yeah? All done in under 10 seconds?"
She said "No, eight black men and a gun."


I went to Bunnings the other day and asked the
assistant for some nails.
He asked me how long do I need them.
I said I wanted to keep them.


I said to the wife the other day,"You are
driving me to drink."
She replied, "I'm sorry I don't mean too "
I said, "No you are driving me to drink, grab
your keys let's go."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability
to guess what day a woman was born on just
by feeling her boobs, "Really" She said, "Go on
then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began
to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day
was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."


I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had
a shave and got your haircut, you'd look
alright."
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your
friends over there instead of you."


What is the difference between a Maori
and dog shit.
The dog shit turns white after awhile
and loses its smell.


I went to the doctor's office the other day
and found out that my new doctor is a
young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't
worry, I'm a professional --I've seen it
all before. Just tell me what's wrong
and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes
funny."


I was starting in a queue at the bank
behind a woman with a huge fat arse.
Suddenly her mobile started bleeping
and a little boy looked up and said, "Fuck
me-she's reversing."


Winston Singh, a half Indian and half
Maori kid, asks his mum, "Am I mostly
Black or am I mostly Indian?" "You're
just my son" the mother replies.
"But why ask such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike for
$50 and I don't know weather to be
an Indian and haggle or just stab
the cunt and take it "


I don't judge people based on colour,
race, religion, sexuality, gender, ability
or size
I base it on weather or not they're
an arsehole.


Do you ever have the urge to tell someone
to shut the fuck up even when they aren't
talking?


SIGN ON ITALIAN BARBER SHOP READ:
"Haircuts while you wait!"


A farmer buys a young rooster.
As soon as it comes home, it rushes
and fucks all the 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the
rooster again Screws all 150 hens.
Farmer gets tense now.
Next day he finds the rooster fucking
the ducks and geese. Later, the farmer
finds the rooster pale, half-dead and
vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you
horny bastard;"
The rooster opens one eye, and says,
"Sshh They're about to land."


According to recent studies, blowjobs are
healthiest breakfast, as it comes with a
sausage, two nuts and a protein shot.
So do the women in your life a favour
and pass this message on so they stay
healthy....suck a dick and don't get sick.


Two eggs sitting in the fridge.
One says "Hey you ok buddy? Your all
green and hairy."
"That's because I'm a kiwifruit arsehole "


He nudged his wife in bed last night, and
whispered, "Did you know it's National Orgasm
Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away.
"Right in the middle of National Headache week."


My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you
fell in love?"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted
the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "So what happened?"
I said, "Nothing. The cunt missed and hit
your mother."


Women are the only species known to man that
can defy the laws of gravity.....The more they weigh,
the easier they are to pickup.


A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds than man.

[Bikkie]

I love you lots like Jelly Tots.
But Not as Much as Vodka Shots!
But I'm your Friend until the end.
So, pass this onto your pisshead friends.
HAPPY NEW YEAR my friend.




New Year’s Day!

Or, as media companies call it: “Update year of death on our hundreds of books and news montages which are ready to roll the instant another celebrity dies” Day.





My missus wasn't best pleased with her christmas gift, and told me to put it where the sun don't shine...

So I've been in Scotland since christmas day.




I trust my wife completely.

I just double-check the tone first.



Idris Alba to be knighted after campaigning against knife crime.

Wait until he sees what he gets knighted with.




A woman goes to a photo studio and asks the photographer, “Does this camera help people look younger?”

The photographer says, “No, it just shows the truth faster.”




A guy goes to the hardware store to buy some insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the store manager, “Is this stuff good for beetles?”

The manager replies, “No, it’ll kill ’em.”




Friendship is so weird...you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.




How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!




What's the difference between kinky and perversion?
Kinky you use a feather and perversion you use the whole chicken.




What's red and bad for you if it gets stuck between your teeth?
A brick.



Kids know too much these days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls immitating the doggy position, I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing her up the arse..."




I met a big fat girl in the pub last night and I said to her "Shit your a big girl aren't you?"
With a tear in her eye she said, "Tell me something I don't know."
So, I said, "Salad tastes nice!"




Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently "In high Definition" wasn't the correct answer.




I remember the first time I had sex, in fact I still have the receipt.



They had to get a translator in at the local Winz today.
Someone came in speaking English.



A few days ago, I saw a poor old lady fall over on the footpath.......at least I assume she was poor....she only had $1.20 in her purse.




Two cattle drovers were standing in an outback bar.
One asked, "What are Ya up to mate?: "Ahh, I'm taking a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie" "Oh yeah...and what route are you taking?"
"Ah, probably the Missus...after all, she stuck by me during the drought..."




When a woman says "What?"! Its because she's giving you a chance to change what you said.




A white trash woman is filling out a welfare form.
The form asks how many kids she has, she writes 10.
The form says state the names of each, she writes Cletus.
The woman at the desk asks why she wrote one name when she has 10 children.
The woman says, "They're all named cdeltus."
"How do you know which child will come when you call them?"
"That's easy, I just use their last names."




Nearly became a doctor......When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form me of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today while the rest of us are sending jokes via text?...




Ioften tell women I'm old school, like a vinyl record.
If you want me to play nice, blow me.




A jogger slips on a dog turd and injures himself badly.
A passer by screams out "Someone call an ambulance, I'll put him in the faecal position!">




An old man was in a hospital bed. He leaned over to the hot young nurse attending to him and whispered, "Give us a kiss love," "No!" she replied. "Oh, go on he pleaded, "No!" she replied again. "Please, just a peck on the cheek" he begged. "For the last time, no! I shouldn't even be wanking you off!!."




Back in the day, William Shatner was engaged to Stevie Nicks, but she couldn't go through with it.
She wasn't too keen on being Stevie Shatner Nicks'





I accidentally ate some dog treats, they were quite tasty actually, but this stupid bitch next door complained to the Police when I was marking my territory outside her house.




A Crimewatch reconstruction is being made of the train attack on the Queen.

A teenage Camilla is still being sought , but Andrew says he'll play the baddie.

[Piper]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how
useless men are.My wife said "They can't do two things at
once." I interrupted and said "Actually, I can."she
asked me to give her an example and I replied "Well while I was
sodomizing you last night I was thinking about your sister."


5 year old Tommy asked his mate Bobby what a penis was.
Bobby's response was that he didn't know and he said he'd ask his dad.
That evening Bobby asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his
son and holding his penis in one hand said, "Son this is a penis.
In fact, if you take a closer look you'll notice that it's a perfect penis."
The next day Bobby saw Tommy at recess and called him behind a hedge,
he exposed himself and whispered, "This is a penis.In fact, if it were three
inches shorter it would l be a perfect penis "


An outback hillbilly was in holiday at Bondi Beach
and couldn't seem to make it with any girls so
he asked a lifeguard for advice, "Mate it's obvious,
those baggy shorts are way out of date, they make
ya look old and lame.
Your best bet is to grab some Speedo's two sizes
too small and drop a fist sized potato inside them,
you'll have all the babes you want!".
The following day, the hillbilly hits the beach in his
skintight Speedo's complete with a fist sized potato.
As he strutted the beach, people covered their faces,
laughed and looked away, disgusted.
He confronts the lifeguard again and asks what is
wrong this time.
The lifeguard replies, "Maaate, the bloody potato
goes in the front!!".


What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
Not many people will pay $200 to have a lentil on their face


My wife told me she had got a tattoo of a mouse
on her inner thigh.
She pulls her skirt up higher, higher, "It's not there?!
"Oh pussy must've eaten it."


Pastor John Flaps see a lady church member getting
drunk in a pub.
He tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up
on top of her. Landlord shouts "Oi mate you can't do
that in ere!"
Reverend replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
Landlord says, "Oh well, if your that far in you may as well
finish."


I was asked who my favourite X-Men character was
Apparently Bruce Jenner was an inappropriate answer.


A teacher was working with a group of kids.
She had some lifesavers lollies, "Children, I'd like you to close
your eyes, taste and identify these "
They guessed the cherries, lemon and mint, but when the
teacher gave them the honey lifesavers, all of the kids were
stumped.
The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, It's something your mum
calls your dad all the time."
Little Johnny instantly spat his into the floor and shouted, "Quick
spit'em out! They're arseholes."


Customs took away my fortified wine.
I've been de-ported.


Kenny Loggins took five grams of coke
to go down on Katie price.
He took the highway to the danger zone.


I went for a job as a contortionist.
They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "Well I can't do Thursdays.

[Piper]

Back in 1983, I fell off my
bike, twisted my foot and
hurt my knee.
For dinner that same-day I
had a gammon steak with
pineapple and Chips. For
dessert I had apple pie
with custard, followed by
a strawberry and banana
milkshake.
I'm telling you all this now
because there was no
social media in the 1980;


"Put the heating on will
you love."

"If the heating goes on,
you know I'll take my
clothes off."

"You win...Chuck us my
coat."


What's the difference
between the Italian mafia
and the Scottish mafia?

The Italian mafia make
you an offer you can't
refuse, the Scottish mafia
make you an offer you
can't understand.


A man was stopped by the
police at around 2 am.

The officer asked him
where he was going at
that time of the night.

The man replied-"I'm on
my way to the lecture
about alcohol abuse and
the effects it has on the
human body as well as
smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asked-
really? who's giving that
lecture at this time of
night?'

The man replied "That
would be my wife."


When my dad told me
he was going to give me
advice on grooming, I was
very disappointed when
he started by producing a
comb and aftershave.


My girlfriend started to
whine, I gently patted her
back saying, "That's right.
Let It all out*... sadly...it
doesn't matter how much
air you remove, you can
never get your blow-up
doll back into the box.


I picked up several women
in the gym and banged
them just by showing off
and maxing out in one
machine that was there.

an ATM


I made my wife so happy
last night when I told her
she has "the face of a
Princess."

She was much less so
when I elaborated I was
specifically talking about
Beatrice.


I was in the supermarket
and this hot bird was
checking me out.

Then she looked at me
seductively and said...

"Cash or card?"


"I hear you split up with
your wife"
"I did. Would you stay with
someone who sat about in
their bra and pants all day,
drinking Gin and watching
Loose women?"

"I sure wouldn't."

"Well, neither would she."


As I got out of my car
there was a notice
That read 'Mon-sat
8am-6.30pm 2 hours. No
return within 2 hours.

It's a sign of the times.


I saw a sign in the park
saying, "If your dog
does a poo, pick it up."

I'm not sure I
can do it.

My Great Dane is
fucking heavy.



The wife is demanding
honesty in our
relationship.
Until she asks whether or
not her bum looks big in
this dress.


I'm about to have sex.
I have of course put a
condom in so I won't get
any STD's such as...in this
case, necrosis.


"I bought you an
engagement ring," I told
my girlfriend.

"How much did it cost?"
she asked in a flash.

"$400," I told her.

"$400?!" she fumed. "You
said you were going to
spend a month's wages!"

I said, "Yes, that's how
much my little brother
earns each month doing
housework."


Ted the Baker had his
funeral today, as a mark of
respect a single flour was
placed on his coffin.


Going in I had one rule
that stuck with me. Don't
drop the soap. Well, I didn't
drop it, not once in two
and a half years. It's the
best advice I was
ever given and the best I
can ever give.

Trust me, it just really
helps to have something
to bite down on.


Things instantly went
sour with the absolutely
stunning 24 year old
young woman I had plans
to leave my wife for whom
I finally took down my
trousers and unfortunately
had to show her my
relatively small penis.

She just started for a bit
and finally said, It's like
your cock is playing
hide-and-seek, and it's really
good at it."


Why do prunes have a use
by date?
They're to clear you
out.


I said to my wife, I think
that's a 'chick with a
Dick'!"
"No, that's a rooster."


My Dad always said to his
assistant, "pull the other
one," great bloke terrible
fucking Dentist.


I wouldn't say my best
make was bad at golf but
you need a lot of balls to
play like he does


I went to Alaska
and was asked by a
couple of nice ladies
if I fancied a bit of
clubbing.
After ten minutes I
felt really sorry for
those seals.


People who are employed
are called employees.
People who have COVID
test are called testes.


My blow-up doll goes down
quicker than a fat bird on a
nigger.

[Bikkie]

Maduro really loving that Oculus Rift that Trump sent him for Christmas.



Where will you find the finest cognac in the universe?

On XO planets


Hahahaha boom boom fuck off




Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is to be thrown into a detention centre that houses Diddy, Ghislaine Maxwell and R. Kelly.

That's not prison, that's a party.

[Bikkie]

Should be some fight for Greenland , Americans on one side , Eskimos on the other...

...and in the middle , Snowman's land !




A guy asks his doctor for something to help with his depression.

The doctor says, “Have you tried ignoring it like everyone else?”





Savile, Harris, Glitter.

These things come in threes.



In the dentist's waiting room today, I got talking to that Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince.

'What are you in for?' he asked.

I replied, 'I lost a crown last night, on account of a piece of toffee.'

He said, 'That's nothing. I lost one on account of a piece of fresh meat.'




I applied for a job as a bin man the other day.

I was a little worried i wouldn't fully understand but apparently you pick it up as you go along.



I was in work today when a woman walked in with her tits hanging out!

Me and my mates were shouting, "Wahay! Check out the knockers on that!"

I don't think we're cut out for work in the mammography department.



I won £3 million and donated a quarter of it to charity.
I now have £2,999,999.75 left.



'Free cinema passes for a month for Dublin hospital staff who worked over Christmas.'
"I spent enough time with my hands down the toilet this Christmas, now my eyes will be down the toilet!" One of the hospital staff commented...

[Piper]

My doctor said that I
should put a bar in my
shower to stop me falling
.over.

Silly cunt! After four
double rums I can't
even find the soap.


As we sat in the farmers
field on our honeymoon,
my wife said:

"You're a fucking idiot."

"Why?" I replied, "this is
what you asked for."

"No I fucking didn't" she
screamed, "I asked for
Bali "


I read somewhere that
6.7% of people have an
alcohol problem, and I
couldn't help thinking,
"6 7%.... that would make a
pretty strong beer."


I've just read that having
orgasms is one of the
healthiest ways to relieve
stress
So does that mean if
you're told to "fuck
yourself" what their really
saying is "I care about
you"?


The COVID vaccine is 95%
effective. It sounds high
but to put it in perspective
imagine that's how
effective your girlfriend's
contraceptive pill was.


What's an Afghan farmers
favourite animal?

Islam.


So, the following have
said that they will refuse
the COVID vaccine....

Muslims because it
contains a pork derivative.

Vegans because it
contains an animal
product.

Blacks because it is white
man's medicine and has a
tracking Chip.

Anti-vaxxers because they
are idiots.

There a fears that these
groups will be most at risk
from catching and dying
from COVID -19 in the
future.

Every cloud.


My wife texted me in the
supermarket.
"I fancy an omelette, make
sure you don't get caged
eggs it's cruel, get the
ones that are kinder."
Only that fat cunt would
eat a chocolate omelette!!


I always punish my liver
on weekends

Mercy is for the week.


One of the saddest
moments in my life was
being left at the altar.
Worst baptism ever...


I once had a dentist many
years ago who was quite
obviously gay and talked
with a heavy lisp

He got really fucking mad
when I seriously couldn't
help myself and called
him "The Tooth Fairy!"

That was honestly a big
fucking mistake on my
part, just before he went
hard at my molars with
that fucking drill.


I got sacked at my last job
before I'd even finished
my training. We did one
of those fucking irritating
icebreakers and the
question was "What movie
title describes your sex
life?
After going around the
room and hearing clichéd
answers like Deep Impact
and Get Hard, the trainer
turned to me and said,
"I didn't quite get yours,"
"Deep Blue Sea?" I replied,
"No, it's Deep Blue C. I'm a
necrophiliac."


Can't stand cricket it's just
a bloke hitting a ball with
a piece of wood,
Give me snooker any day!


A tube of lubricating
gel please, I said to the
pharmacist.
"K Y," she replied.

"Because my wife's twat
is as dry as sticks. That's
why if you must know."


Two guys in a pub.
One says to the other, "Don't
you think all Liverpool
fans are arseholes?".
A huge guy sitting near
them stands up and
says, "I take offence at
that statement you just
made!"
"I didn't mean to offend
you mate. Are you a
Liverpool fan?*
"No, I'm a arsehole!"


I've got a business selling
panty pads and Viagra
They call me the rag and
bone man.


Why couldn't the
stuttering Rimmer say the
word 'anus'?
Because it was stuck on
the tip of his tongue.


I just bought a Liverpool
shirt, and it's the best
thing so far, for social
distancing


I crashed my car this
morning on the motorway
and had to leave it on the
hard shoulder.
I phoned up my insurance
company and the woman
on the phone asked.
"Are you in the AA?"
I said, "No, but I am
concerned I've been
drinking too much.


Life is shit and after death
there is nothing
So nothing is better than
shit.


Report: Undertakers could
save money by not putting
the final nail in the coffin.

In test, no corpse has
managed to push the lid
off yet.


Have you noticed the
hearse drivers don't overtake.
They do the opposite.

Have you seen how
expensive funerals are
nowadays?
Just before I die, I'm going
to change my name to
'OFF'. That way when
the car is driving to the
graveyard with my coffin
in it, The flowers on top of
the coffin will spell
"R .I.P OFF."


My missus kept banging
on for me to buy her
ladies lynx for her
birthday. She went fucking
mental when I gave her a
chain off a ladies bike


There's more Chinese
people in the world than
any other nationality.
My wife must think I'm a sex
god because she's given
me a Chinese nickname.

Mousey Dong


Someone should perfect a
bread recipe based around
dill.
How many women would admit
to kneading their dill dough?


Nobody does this, nobody
bothers to even pick that
up-my wife is forever
praising this "nobody" just
wait till I get my hands on
the smug little cunt.

[Bikkie]

The BBC have plans to make a film about Catherine de Medici, who apparently was known as the Black Queen.



I broke my nose last night.

I walked into a crowbar.

i'll tell you, those crows are really protective of who uses their pubs.




I'm not using Amazon anymore!
I ordered grain for my chickens.
But after I got it, they sent
an email asking for my feedback.




I’ve learned that silence in a relationship means one of us is thinking.

And it’s not me.




So there I was watching the video... and when I heard "boom boom", I was appalled.

What idiot thought of a glove puppet fox who laughs at his own jokes?



Lorraine Kelly bursts into laughter at a guest with the world's smallest penis.

That's rich coming from someone with the smallest brain.




Cut my hand whilst slitting patio slabs recently.

Still - Sore!





Lorraine Kelly meets man with worlds smallest penis or smallest Willy meets biggest cunt




Why are Black people skipping cruise vacations?

They've been on that "free boat ride" before.

[Bikkie]

"Hi Pete, I'm glad I've run
into you. I'm organising
a stag do for Dave, we're
off to Amsterdam. I don't
want the details public
so Insta and Facebook
are out-I'll send you the
details on Messenger."

"I don't have Messenger."

"Ok, I'll WhatsApp you."

"I don't have WhatsApp."

"Bebo? Myspace? Friends
Reunited? Ancestry.com?"

"Haha! I'm not that old."

"I'll text you."

"I lost my mobile."

"I'll call you."

"I'm waiting for Spark to fix my home phone."

"Tell you what, I'll meet you at the clock in the town square on saturday at 12 noon to give you the details."

"Cool. Bring them in a letter."




I'm opening a new tool and sweet shop on an Irish building

It'll be called, Pick 'n' Micks.




If any of you believe in love at first sight....
....look once, look twice.....
then run like fuck.




Last night I fucked a girl with glasses.

She had one in each hand and didn't want to spill them.




I've been learning snooker

The only time a black does anything is when a white hits it.




I'm not saying I watch too much porn but my TV Laptop and Tablet have windscreen wipers.




My new paki neighbours were having a house warming party. A Molotov cocktail should do the trick.




I said to my girlfriend
"When I asked you to tease me, I didn't mean say my cock was small."




The neighbours knocked on the front door

"We're going out tonight."

They told me. "We need a babysitter for our two-year-old boy that doesn't smoke or do drugs or gamble."

"I'm not sure why you're boasting." I replied. "I don't know any two-year-olds that do these things."





I really hate using punctuation.

Full stop




Lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M25, cues expected.


Only gone an bagged myself a six foot blonde, we aint fucked yet but by the sounds of it she's a catch, everywhere we go people whisper "here's that hot lass with that tight little cunt."




I'm noy saying my wife has gotten comfortable, but the only bending over and panting she does these days is when she's looking in the biscuit cupboard.