What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

If I were a ghost, I would haunt people by knocking on their door as soon as they started to masturbate.



The US carrying on this war in Iran is more likely to cause a regime change in the States rather than Iran.



Lily Phillips says she wants to reconnect with her Christian

She'll have 1200 guys go down on her and call it 'The Last Supper'.



The workers on BBC'S Repair Shop programme refused to repair Bob Monkhouse's joke books because the humour they contain, made them feel uncomfortable.

As a NHS consultant, I would like the same option when the BBC's favourite unfunny DEI comedienne has an appointment.




It's disgusting that boys who identity as girls were allowed to join the Girl Guides in the first place

I mean, they don't even have any Beavers




I've just banged Shania Twain

Any good?

Nah. It didn't impress me much



My wife found some new feminist club and she said, "I'm going to it," and I replied "No you're not".... and she stormed back "Why exactly the fuck not ?"

"My car's in the body-shop and the only thing left in the garage is the old stickshift."




Donald Trump has compared himself to Elvis Presley.

Can't see it myself.

And besides, being full of shit actually resulted in Elvis's death.



Of course every penis looks micro when you're nothing but a giant Cunt.



What kind of glutinous arshole do you have to be to honk at a drive through?



Transgender girls have until September to leave the girl guides.

The lesbos in charge said "We have a right to only molest underage girls without dicks. Send those faggots back to the queers at the boy scouts."



My daughter got mad because I "prejudicially" cross the street to avoid black men, and she said "It's just image and perception that black people appear to be more violent."

"You're definitely right.... that one up there ahead of us is waving a knife."



This fat black lady doing "equity training" got livid with me and she said I kept finding ways to mention fruits like "Watermelons" in to everything I said, to try and imply she should "go back and live in the jungle.'

"All right... don't go Bananas."





The wheels are coming off at Liverpool

Ironic cos that's exactly what happened to Diogo Jota's car



Benefit cheat who claimed she was 'too ill to leave house' caught on zipline in Mexico.

I got caught on a zipline once.

Almost fucking circumcised myself.



Me and this other guy were in our work truck and spotted this curly-haired blonde in the city-centre, wearing miniskirt and looking generally whorish. I said, "hey now" and when I drove in closer, it turned around and was my lantern-jawed homo son wearing a wig !

"Fuck.... it looked good from afar, but far from good."



I didn't immediately disown my homo son, as for awhile he trained to become a policeman. It turned out it was mainly so he could dress as a woman when the little faggot was the one they sent out on the streets to do prostitution stings.

Eventually they also said to them, "You have to actually arrest the punters, not just keep letting them fuck you in the arse."



CRAC The annual conservative conference in being held in the US at the gaylord convention centre I'm suprised starmer hasn't flew over it sounds his sort of place

[Bikkie]

My girlfriend told me that she really likes doggy style. Turns out she meant Crufts.



What with price of fuel these days, I thought I'd do a runner from the garage. So I put in £50 worth and drove off without paying. Got caught though. I'd run out of petrol before I left the forecourt.




What do you get when you cross sperm with eggs?

Speggs



What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?

Tiger Woods can safely drive a golf ball 300 yards



Tiger Woods, from DEI to DUI



Horrible news lads. Just discovered that when WWIII kicks off, I'll be fighting for the Chinese. Apparently I didn't fully read the terms and conditions when I ordered that crap from Temu.




I ran out of toilet roll so I've had to use old newspaper's.

The Times are rough.



Things I learned today.

Cash Converters don't buy ankle monitors.



Social media influencer Clavicular arrested in Florida on battery charges.

He's been collared.



Apparently chivalry is dead. I drank some birds entire drink at the pub then told her "You're safe beautiful, there was nothing foreign in your drink" and she had me tossed out.



Its funny that some body parts are metaphors. Guts=Courrage, Bollocks=Courage, Spine=Courage, Heart=Courage, Toes=Small Pigs that participate in the market economy



Just bought a pair of glasses from Specsavers — fucking useless. Beer just falls straight through. Can’t see myself drinking tonight.




Tin man has been sentenced to 6 months out in the elements for shoplifting castrol oil

Rustice served



Shock moment Miss Grand Thailand's teeth 'fall out' mid-beauty pageant.

Thailand? They should just be thankful it wasn't her dick.


Thieves have stolen 12 tonnes of KitKats whilst in transit. Suspects are described as having four fingers, covered in chocolate, and police are hoping they're foiled before it's too late!



Thieves have stolen 12 tons of KitKat bars in a daring chocolate lorry heist, which has sparked fears of an Easter shortage.

Finally, something to shift world war 3 off the front page



What's the difference between Katie Price and Tottenham Hotspur ?

Tottenham are only going down in May



A car has struck multiple people in derby tiger woods put out a statement i wasn't me this time





I was doing some trivia thing and they asked, "Quickly give an example of a homophone."

"Two words that sound the same, and my faggot son's mobile with a pink furry ballistic cover-case."




I called my boss this morning and told him I'm not coming into work because my legs didn't work.
"What kind of excuse is that?" he asked.
"A lame excuse", I replied.



John Barnes has given a passionate defence of FA quotas for black coaches arguing that black people don't get equal opportunities across society as a whole

He's absolutely right and that's why you'll never see a black man in a TV advert





John Barnes has given a passionate defence of FA quotas for black coaches arguing that black people don't get equal opportunities across society as a whole

He's absolutely right and that's why you'll never see a black man in a TV advert

[Bikkie]

Trump is now planning on funding his nation's newest wars by selling advertising space over redacted Epstein files.




Getting recruited by the military is just like thinking the stripper likes you.




Used a gender free bathroom today
Had to take a she/it



This saunds Familar:

1939: Hitler: And his high command initially expected the war to be a series of short, swift campaigns, with victory often anticipated within a few weeks or months of major operations.

2026: Trump: And his high command initially expected the war to be a series of short, swift campaigns, with victory often anticipated within a few weeks or months of each major operations...



President Trump tells media that the most difficult part of an limited 8 week skirmish in the middle east is usually the first 6 1/2 years




When we went to Austria, my gay son was all excited about visiting this "Forest of Penises," where he heard you walk through and get hit with nothing but huge cocks slapping you in the face and shit like this.

All things considered, we wound up passing a pleasant day in the Weinerwald, anyway



Just checked. Schofield was born in 62, Mills in 73.

So it's true there was 11 years between them.



I'm apparently neither a grower nor a shower. The truly sad part is I'm also not a third more comical thing.



I’ve made a condom completely out of sandpaper.

It’s for women who like it rough.



Tottenham Hotspur's emblem the cockerel is to be replaced.

By the dodo bird due the fact it will symbol of extinction just like Spurs....



Chicken is so expensive, I've started catching seagulls. You have to cook them quick though, or they eat all your chips.



Petrol prices have shot up, and Trump expects us to believe he can soon reverse it... by obliterating a country's entire civilian infrastructure.





A Lion would NEVER Drive while under the influence....
but a Tiger Wood.




On the eve of Passover, Israel is about to find out;

Iranian missiles don't Pass over.


A Socialist, a Communist, a Liberal, and a Progressive all walk into a bar.

Who's buying the drinks?



Transgender is like gay but with extra snipe.



My feminist daughter was upset and said she would NEVER date any of the kinds of guys I thought she should date, the kind that are real men, provide for a family, hold down jobs, etc.... She stormed, "I'll never date any of these 'real men' !!...."

"That's why I only fucking date black guys..." she continued.

[Bikkie]

Buckingham Palace has announced that King Charles will not be giving an Easter address this year.

His Ramadan address obviously took a lot out of him.



Crouching Tiger Hidden Hipflask



Gemma Collins is apparently into roleplay

Brioche, burger buns & subs



I approached this really fit bird in New World as she picked up a cucumber. I said "mines bigger than that"
She said "if it is, you can fuck the arse off me"

I reached into my trolley, pulled out my extra lage cucumber and said "my place or yours"



A man rang me last week saying he was a Nigerian prince and offered me exclusive access to an account containing 2 million dollars. All I had to do was hand over my card details...

When I saw later that my bank account & savings had been emptied, I'd never felt more humiliated in all my life...

I suddenly remembered I voted Labour at the last election




Paddy: I see a judge has ordered Trump to stop building his ballroom.

Murphy: He can't build new underwear?



I was devastated to read the headline "Raducanu pulls out of second successive tournament". I watch her playing very closely, and I can assure you that 'pulling out' never happens in my fantasies.



I was trying to think of a reason for sending a woman on the moon mission.

It's obvious, someone's got to make the sandwiches.




In "diversity training", I was stunned and actually agreed when the lady presenting it declared "All of our problems in the world are due to mediocre men that are insecure about their penis size !"

"I agree, it seemed things started going downhill significantly in 2009 when the Michelle Obama first somehow started appearing."



When my boss ordered me to stop impersonating a flamingo at work, I had to put my foot down.




I strolled up to someone I didn't know at a bus stop and said "Excuse me love, do you like Stranger Things?"

"Yes I do", she replied

So I whipped out my cock & bollocks



Spelunk (verb):

To fail a spelling test.



In which African country does the lion sleep tonight?

Uh, Zimbabwe, uh, Zimbabwe, uh, Zimbabwe, uh, Zimbabwe.

No. No, YOU fuck off...



Todd Blanche has been appointed the new Attorney General, after Donald Trump fired Pam Bondi.

Blanche now has 30 days to release the remaining Epstein Files, or face criminal liability under the Epstein Files Transparency Act.

I'd like to be the first to congratulate Mr Blanche on his upcoming 29-day tenure.



So I shagged the farmer's daughter and even managed to get some free stuff to help grow my plants

Fertiliser?

No thank fuck. She's only 8



Just watching GB news. Announcer said "I'm Nana, a queer".
Didn't know gay grandmothers were news items but there you go.
Never heard Philip Schofield tell us "Im a daddy and a raving pooftah",
but he still got the sack.



The war in Iran has now cost the world economy an estimated $650bn. To put that into perspective, that's enough to cover Tiger Woods' car insurance premiums for a whole year.



Trump did not give Pam Bondi a cozy job after firing her, like he did for Kristi Noem.
I guess Bondi doesn't swallow.

[Bikkie]

Astronaut Christina Koch has officially become the farthest any woman has ever travelled from the kitchen.



Police have already received a tip off regarding the Kit-Kat thieves

They're heading to Gemma Collins' place now



Have a break-in.

Have a Kit-Kat.



What's the difference between the Kit-Kat thieves and Bonnie Blue?

The thieves have only taken 800,000 fingers.




If the Iraqis find that pilot first it will be less 'Black Hawk Down' and more 'Brown Cock Up'



I was more entertained than ever in "Diversity Training" today, when the lady doing it told us how Drag Queen Story Hour is in-fact not new, but has a rich 100-year history.

I was cracking up when she told all about these two faggots with purple hair who went to some northern town in 1926 to read perverted books for the youth in public; and after two sparkly bodies were fished out of the lake; they clearly didn't live to tell the tale.



You learn a lot watching Gardeners World. There's a flower with the same name as my mate's grandma:

Pachysandra.



I'm starting to think that reincarnation is real, because there's no way I could be this sick of everyone after only 1 lifetime. Besides the Paki cunts, that only takes a week or so.



It's my first day in prison and they've thrown me into a cell with three dodgy black guys, but they told me not to worry as they spend all their time working on an aspiring rap album.

I am a bit worried though, as several of the songs they've run through so far have been; "Hide dat Sausage, No Vaseline, Up in Ya, Bitch Slap Party, Touchin da' Kidneys, Run dat Train, White Men I made Love to, and Jack in the Crack."



Not being able to finish a crossword really gets one down.



I once went fourteen years without a drink.

Then I turned fifteen.



Paddy: They say love's a disease.

Murphy: Yes, but it's curable.

[Bikkie]

I made my gay son apprentice with the bricklayers and I said, "you'll start with Dave Smith, he's the best in the business."

"He sure is," the little faggot said later that afternoon... "You should have seen how expertly he filled my crack with his spackle."


So the Muslims are campaigning against dogs.

Finally!! Something they don't like grooming.



In 10 years, my wife and I have never gone to bed angry.

Thanks, to the couch and spare pillow...



I just saw Mo Farah is in South Africa

Fuck me, that's some dedication to a Screwfix delivery




My barber told me the worst time to have to be cutting hair besides covid was right after Peaky Blinders came out because everyone would ask for that syle, and then look completely stupid.



The Wireless Festival has been cancelled following the government's decision to ban Kanye West from the United Kingdom on account of his controversial public statements about Jews.

'There is no way that we will allow somebody so hatefully bigoted and anti-Semitic into this country,' Keir Starmer said last night.

'Unless he comes by dinghy, of course. Then there's nothing we can do.'



Kanya west blocked from coming to the UK
that's one nigger stopped probably come by boat


I got summoned by the school's administration to talk about something that happened during the Wrestling-Meet that a few parents were upset about.

"Look, we make the boys wrestle in those skin-tight stringies and those leotard thingies.... It's perfectly natural that in the course of all that wrestling and moving around and all the hormones flowing, a visible erection is going to pop off."

"It's not ok when you're the fucking coach, Jim."




I walked past a dog trapped in a hot car and assumed some Chinese person was trying to save money on their gas bill.

[pritch]

Made me smile. https://www.facebook.com/reel/26177793751849593