What's your sickest joke?

[Bikkie]

Due to the gravity of the charges against him, the Andrew Formerly Known as Prince may be facing a life sentence.

His brother will probably allow him to have a footman on the inside, though.

'Ah, Jeeves. I appear to have been somewhat careless in my handling of the soap. Be a sport and pick it up for me, would you?'



Talk about ironic

This morning my 100 year old mum got a telegrams from the King.

And this afternoon my 12 year old daughter got a dick pic from Peince Andrew.



Kier Starmer: "I'm glad I'm not in the Epstein files

Everyone in the Epstein files: "I'm so fucking glad I'm not Kier Starmer




Following the Tourette's N-word incident at the Bafta Awards, opinion is split into two camps:

Those who think the BBC should have edited out the slur, as racist language is never acceptable.

Those who think the BBC were right to air it unedited, as it raised awareness of the condition.

I think everyone has lost sight of what's truly important here.

That it was really fucking funny.





I should have known my ex girlfriend was a slut when I realized typing the word "of" on her phone would always autocorrect to OF



Somebody stole our portaloo last night

They really are taking the piss



"I honestly don't understand why you all liberals push this shite especially with drag queens ?" I said.... "There's no actual fucking woman that looks like this or tries to look like this ?"

Then, sure enough, my wife got back from her fucking salon, with huge perm and looking exactly like Dame Edna.



I came home early and this contractor who is behind schedule was up in my wife's bedroom, and when I flung the door open my wife was face-down and naked on the bed. The contractor explained, "Uh, I've just lost my plum-bob in your wife's butt."

"Understandable, it's pretty roomy in there, try and be less careless with your tools," I said, closing the door again.



Trump offered his formal apology for not inviting the USA's women's ice hockey team to the White House.

"Sorry, I had it on good authority that they all only shower after three periods."



Just listened to Alastair Campbell on a podcast, complaining about how much lying there is in politics these days.
It felt a bit like watching a Ted Talk on women's rights delivered by the Black Cab Rapist.



The myth started that Asians Were better than us at Maths.

That's only because they couldn't use the excuse that the dog ate their homework.




To kill the time at work, some of my colleagues and I decided to look ourselves up on one of these ancestry tracing websites to see if our surnames matched with what our ancestors used to be.
A bloke called Pete Mason went first and as we all guessed, his surname is Mason because his ancestors were masons.
Then a bloke called Alex Tailor had a go and as we guessed, his surname is Tailor because his ancestors were tailors.
We haven't seen Jon Smith since that evening. He jumped out the window and legged it down the street.
Turns out his ancestors weren't blacksmiths: they were Venables.

[Bikkie]

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total bollocks" I replied.

By text, from across the road.




Green party member Hannah Spencer claims she's a plumber.

A plumber that wants to flood the nation with people from countries that still shit in the streets.



Hillary Clinton has come out in favour of body cams.

Not for the police - for husbands...



Bill Clinton says in House testimony he had ‘no idea’ about Epstein’s crimes.

'I did not have sexual relations with those trafficked children.'




The difference between Iran and I ran:

One's a 7000 year old country and the other the motto of the Israeli Defence Force.




"I saw nothing and I did nothing’, Bill Clinton tells Epstein hearing.
He forgot the 'and I wasn't there anyway'.




t really makes me angry how self-absorbed and uncaring so many people are these days.

I was just eating my McDonald's breakfast in the food court of my local shopping centre when this old man fell down the escalator and landed with a loud crack on the floor.

Not a single person stopped to try to help him. The poor bloke was still there when I left an hour later. It's disgusting.



My wife hosted her fat feminist group in the house and they were mad about Trump walloping both Hillary and Kamelface, and 'how horrible it was'.

"What ?" I interjected, "those two wins were the most i enjoyed seeing a man beat the fuck out of an out-of-her-depth feminist woman since watching GI Jane in 1996."



It finally happened and I had to sit right by a crybaby for the duration of a long flight

10 straight fucking hours of JimmySammy whinging about "why didn't America elect the strong qualified black woman" from London to New York.

[Bikkie]

You ever see a missing dog or cat post on Facebook and the only person you know who lives where it's missing from, is the person sharing it but you want to fuck her, so you share it anyway?.



New leadership required in Iran. Must be dedicated to Islam above all else.


The shortlist is down to King Charles and Keir Starmer.



What's the difference between Ayatollah Khamenei and Andrew Mountbatten Windsor?

The Ayatollah is happy enough with the 72 virgins



Noel Gallagher pokes fun at the BRITs as he points out, 'I haven't actually written a song in two years' after picking up Songwriter of the Year.

However, he has stolen three.



I went on a date with a lass who said she wanted a sophisticated, cultured man.

Over dinner she asked me, 'So, what is your favourite movement in the arts?'

'Well, I've always been partial to the French Impressionists, myself.'

'Good choice! Which French Impressionist is your favourite?'

'I'd have to say Benny Hill.'



"It's totally wrong that a Christian Conservative bakery like us won't serve you," I said to the gay couple as we wheeled out an enormous 6-tier wedding cake covered in rainbows, sparkles, with a top-piece of a biker in black-leather fucking another man directly up the arse, and an enormous black dildo on top.

"What the fuck is this ?' gasped one of the limp-wrists... "We only ordered a simple one with roses !"

[Bikkie]

A pit bull just chased my up the road on my bike. Fuck knows how it reached the pedals.



I decided to take a night class in sewing, the first lesson involved making a tunic, veil and scapular

I walked out as I feared this class would be habit forming.



Middle East conflict has sent the price of Natural Gas up 50% on world markets in just 1 day.

What a relief that we have all that Miliband solar and wind energy to keep our bills down, eh..



I made my 8-month-old son spaghetti bolognese for dinner.

To save time, I rubbed the mince in his face and threw the rest on the carpet.




Uefa are considering a ban on players covering their mouths when talking to each other on the pitch.

If it goes through I reckon the most popular phrase will be "You glack gastard"




"Look at this," I said to my gay son, "Robots are even rapidly replacing the jobs of lower-level white-collar workers.... what's your beloved fascist Labour government doing for you about this ?"

"I won't get replaced.... whenever any of the bigwigs come by and stick their cock in the hole of a robot, all it does is come out all cut-up and chafed."




I think the Catholics are getting a bit too relaxed. After I went to Church today, I decided to go to confession. After I left the Priest just said "Yo dog that is some crazy ass stuff!".



I saw some shit where the USA's "historians" (all prick liberal tools for sure) rated Melania Trump as the worst First Lady of all time with a score of 46, eleven points lower than the next-worst, whilst that huge Gorilla Michelle Obummer scored as high as 82 for God-knows-what-reason.

Then I realised it's because even the best at being a woman is clearly going to be a Man




A first plane out of Dubai has landed safely at Manchester airport.

" It was scary stuff ", said a passenger who had never seen Manchester before.



To the migrants who keep eating all the swans,
Please stop. They taste disgusting, like pond weed.
Love and respect, King Charles 111

"I'm not one of these that's only going to leech off the government tit," said my homo son, "I'm perfectly willing to work 16 hours a day in male sex work...."

"I'm looking for a Handjob, not a Handout...."



Stopping the Leeds v Man City match for Ramadan a ding-dong was the football equivalent of a Robbie Williams concert,when the cunt holds out his microphone for the crowd to sing.


I was sitting on edge of the bed pulling off my boxers. The wife said, you spoil those dogs.



My wife complained once in couples counselling that, "My husband cant even remember the one night he made a long drive home early just to propose to me."

"Why the fuck would I want to remember the Manchester Tool-&-Dye convention of 1978 ?"



I was in South Africa for business recently and I decided to have a game of pool in the hotel bar.

The table must have been pretty old. Instead of red and yellow balls, it only had black and white.

[Bikkie]

These events highlight the impact of music on culture and the lives of artists. Each year, March 5th continues to be a day of reflection on the history of music and the artists who have shaped it.



HMS Dragon…

…the only boat that Spanner has stopped from crossing the Channel.




It's a toss up between HMS Dragon
And the leader board which will move quicker



I once asked Andy Bell out of Erasure if anal sex hurt

"Oooooooh sometimes", he said



I showed my girlfriend the 3ft black dildo I was going to use on her...
She gasped and said "I can't take all that,I've got a weak heart!"
I replied, "Lie on your side love,and I'll miss it"




It took mankind many years to develop effective birth control. Now in 2026 we have Olivia Dean's music.



America:

Was asked if the Supreme leader was dead?

"No Mr Trump always looks like that."..



Iran labels Donald Trump as"the great Satan"

Is there a shit Satan then?





Trump has well fucked his chance of the Nobel Peace Prize.


Trump: "I'm not being black mailed by Israel about the Epstein files and I'm going to bomb Iran for them to prove it".




Donald Trump has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital…
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented Trump.
"No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."


Trump: "It looks like Joe Biden is raising gas prices again".




I read a saying yesterday that described One Direction perfectly-'They have the words, they just don't have the music!'



For four days straight my wife looked at the fridge and said with discipline; "can't eat, big competition is coming up !"

Makes sense.... the last 4 years at the Fart-contest, she unfortunately shat herself as she ripped out "push pineapple shake a tree" and got disqualified.



I've just booked a family holiday to Little St. James island in the Caribbean. Apparently their really good with kids and you get treated like royalty.




Paddy gets a job as a lumberjack and goes to buy a chain saw. The salesman says he can cut down 20 trees a day with it, no problem. The next day, paddy comes back and says "this is shit, I couldn't even manage to fell one tree with this"

The salesman says "let's have a look at it"
He pulls the cord and it goes "RRRRRRMMMMM RRRRRMMMM"
Paddy says "what the fuck is that noise?"




What do panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with a little bit of alcohol.




Congratulations to Iran's new supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, on getting the top job……

…if I were you son, i wouldn’t fuck about on making plans for the weekend.



Breaking News: "War in the middle east".

The rest of the world: "Water is wet".



Drake went to a gay orgy with all his mates.

"Started as a bottom now we queer. Started as a bottom now the whole team fucking queer."

[Bikkie]

Britney Spears has been stopped for suspected DUI in California.

" Keep blowing , keep blowing , keep blowing , ..... " , said an LA traffic cop , before letting her go with a warning and a great sigh.



" Ooops I DUI again "




I honestly cannot believe Iranians are out celebrating right now. It's like they don't even care - or worse, haven't even considered - how this makes liberal white women feel.




"If you can't beat them, join them"

Sound advice for punishing recently separated Siamese twins



I can't stop singing Bee Gees songs in my sleep.

Doctor says I have night fever



Had a head-on collision today with a French guy in a rental car who was driving on the wrong side of the road.

If that's not bad enough, we get out and the bastard is one of those disgusting Trans and all the faggot can't stop saying is that he's called Desiree.



Donald Trump wanting a Nobel Peace Prize after bombing the crap out of every country is akin to Michael Phelps drowning in the shallow end of an Olympic pool.





I once known an italian waiter,

He PASTA way



When say "All I need from you is Care, Attention, Support, and Honesty."

Now try putting all the first letters together...




It was in the showers my first day in prison and the most enormous negro I had ever seen made a move on my arse. The bastard quickly learned the hard way not to try that shit again.

His cock came out all bloody and nearly ripped off because I was hiding a file in there.

[Bikkie]

Today in "equity training" their orders from above seemed to be to hit hard the idea that "100% of women are completely repulsed by men that support Trump and voted for Brexit."

"Were at least 70 to 80% of these 'women' you polled recently men that now wear dresses and still have penises ?"

"Yes."



National geographic:'Blue whales release 20 liters of sperm each time they ejaculate.'
My wife was unavailable for comment....



What do gay cowboys eat??.

HHHAAAAYYYYY




None of my pickup lines ever work. For example "I'll be so hard you'll get splinters."



I had a new video come up in my scroll; "Why you wouldn't survive 48 hours as a slave in 1810.... "

They're right; I'm white, I wouldn't fit in.



David Copperfield announces last Vegas show, weeks after Epstein ties revealed.

He'll sit your kid on his lap and make all his fingers disappear.



A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"

And the husband replies:
"Well, my love, what are you going to do?"

"Oh, Roger ...! I spoke to the judge handling your case,"

"And what did he say, my love?"

"He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year ..."

"What !!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that son of a bitch? "

" Oh, Roger! We'll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let's go… !!! "��������




I just saw the picture from the White House of all the religious figures standing behind Donald Trump, each with a hand on his shoulder, praying that he doesn't shart again





I would like to wish a special "Happy Women's Day" to Siri and Alexa, the only women who listen to me.




Regarding the Iran war, Donald Trump refuses to rule out 'putting boots on the ground'.

Great idea.

Send Melania and Kristi Noem first.



What's the difference between Tottenham Hotspur and a ginger step-child ?

The child gets beaten less often



Torpedos are the ONLY pedos the Trump administration is willing to fire.



Fly tipping in back lanes…a new winter Olympic sport ?


I'm in trouble.
My wife asked me if there was enough time to shower before a missile strike.
I told her "Schnell!"




Pete Hegseth's future.

From the Haig to the Hague.


Breaking news....The Chinese man who invented the camera lens has passed away.
Rest in Peace, Zoo Min.



What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.




My wife once got the idea in her head to be a battle-rapper, and she was furious with the kind of support I gave her.

"I showed up at your first rap battle !" I protested.

"You were part of my opponent's crew !"




If any mates are up late, or have to get up early like me. Us Brits are playing the yanks in their baseball and beating them. It's quite fun to razz them on the medias and they especially despise it when their game is called "the boring version of cricket". Cheers




Last night was the wife's birthday and I took her out and there was this Beatles tribute band.

When they asked if there are any requests, my wife waddled up and said to the singer, "Do you know I am the Walrus ?"

"You sure are, madam, but do you have any song requests ?"



I said to my mate that I was worried how my half-bake girlfriend would look when she was older,as I didn't want to marry a big,fat,nigger mama with shit hair and huge lips....
He suggested that I see how her mother looks,as that's a good indication.
Thank fuck. She's white.

[Bikkie]

One of Ayrton Senna's old F1 cars is up for auction with a guide price of 12 million dollars.

If you want to pay that much, give your head a wobble.


My bird said she doesn't fingerblast herself when she's on her period.
Today I caught her red-handed.



Breaking news--- After receiving multiple complaints from the population of London and Bradford, Keir Stalin has ordered the cull of racist pigeons, due to their call of 'Look at the coon'



The Iran war is costing a billion a day.
Still cheaper than Somali learning centres.


What do you call an Austrian man who routinely ignores his daughter's birthday?

Josef Fritzl.



I saw Philip Schofield looking downbeat as he left the local YMCA earlier

I guess he was just having one of those gays



My daughter somehow brought home a new coloured boyfriend and his only ambition seems to be wanting to get into the rap game.

The little wog is in luck... the place I got him a job at prepares excellent sandwiches as well




Ali Khamenei's son was named the new Supreme Leader of Iran.

And immediately had his life insurance cancelled.



With the price of oil and gas going through the roof, if you see Ed Miliband or his Green energy guru Dale Vince, give them a slap for keeping your bills down.

Slap on the back. What did you think I meant?.

[Bikkie]

I'm in a amauter dramatics society and I broke my leg onstage.
I'm still in the cast though.



Saw this old man, with one leg, leaning against a wall next to a cash machine.
I said to him "Are you alright my ol' china"?
He replied "yes, just checking my balance".



The first person to be replaced by AI was Ayatollah Khamanei.



" Julius Caesar,
would you like a slice of cake? "

" No I already et tu Brute "




For my winter holiday last year, I spent a week hitting the slopes.

I fucking love Chink-bashing.




Cancelled Meghan Markle said Netflix was holding her back.

That's like saying Lennon was holding back Yoko Ono



They say the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so rest in piece Ian pal, yours truly Brooklyn Beckham



Police in Scotland have sealed off Glasgow Central Station after reports of suspicious activity. Two Glaswegians were eating a salad.



We had a 'couples therapy' where my wife did literally nothing for a whole hour but complain about my tiny cock....

"Honestly," the fat cow moaned... "after a McDonalds bender, I'll be crowning out a turtlehead way more impressive than Jim's little thimble !"



My favourite new event on Gladiators is Unleash, and I've seen that Phantom in particular is very good at it. It's just that I'm not used to seeing a black man chase someone without a knife in their hand.



My wife was livid when she found out she was "disinvited" from the World Hula Houp championships of 2026.

Apparently last year they didn't expect anyone to just put it on and stand there and wear it like a belt.



Winston Churchill-- "We shall fight them on the beaches"
Keir Stalin' "We shall invite them to our beaches"
Cunt.





The most successful child porn parody:

Young gums.



Have you ever been on a 72 hour bender; but he decided he was straight and went back to his wife?.




Why do men fight over women, is it winner stays on?.



Last night at bowling, I looked up at a 7-10 split...

"Fuck me, it's like Kemi's looking at me waiting to suck me off."

[Bikkie]

once promised my wife a holiday anywhere in the world she wanted to go, and I thought her choice was a bit strange, but we were in Janestown Virginia touring the first successful colony. The guide showed us the House of Burgesses, their colonial legislature.

Whilst I was fascinated, my wife practically stormed out of there that there wasn't a 'House of Burgers'.



My wife actually took some initiative and planned a "Romantic Weekend Getaway." When we got there she showed me the itinerary and asked me if I had any questions ?....

"Yes, does this big black guy also need to be here ?"




This one may be true. Lord Franklin's vessel was discovered after they finally got around to translating some of the old Innuit maps. One of the islands was named: "place where the big ship sank"



Always give someone a chance to put things right.

Unless you've complained about their cooking.



My wife somehow found all the old Vevos of all these ballet recitals our homo son did, that she wanted me to sit and watch. She said, "It's quite something with this modern technology, someone's entire life like this can also just be deleted in an instant..."

"Click"


I once came home early from Middle School and found my parents having sex. It was the most traumatic 25 minutes of my life.



Why did the orphan fail his computer exam?
Because when the test said “Press any key to continue”, he spent 10 minutes looking for “mum” and “dad.”



I started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We still haven’t got a gig.



We were in London and a few pairs of those big-hairied Drag Queens came walking by. The gay son was there and I said, "What on earth is actually fucking attractive about this; the Establishment promoting this and everything ?"

"Ooooh, with those strong jaws, it's like they're all ready to suck a golf ball through a garden hose."



Scientific research and major health organisations consistently state that there is no link between homosexuality and paedophilia.

Medical experts and human rights bodies categorise these as two entirely separate mental health issues



Seven Iranian women footballers who refused to sing their national anthem defected, but the rest reluctantly boarded a plane.

Wait until they find out they're all gay.




My wife was upset because she put on some weight. I pointed out that women are made of fat whereas men are made of muscle and brains, but this did not console her.



Japan and the United States recently conducted joint military exercises in the Hawaiian Islands. One of the Japanese planes missed its target by almost seven miles. The press offered its usual garbled explanations, but the next day I happened to talk to my brother who is a Marine avionics technician stationed in Pearl Harbor. He said it was the strangest gremlin they had ever seen. The aircraft in question experienced a partial malfunction in the tuning circuitry of its radio systems. Instead of bringing in the military frequency, it raised a public broadcasting program out of Honolulu. The program was advocating "tuna moratoria", the Japanese pilot heard: "Tora, Tora, Tora"

[Bikkie]

Iran's Supreme Leaders have joined Facebook.

And you thought Facebook was over when your parents joined.





What has 22 legs and 4 teeth??

The que outside our local chemist.



Whilst at the local leisure centre this morning, I noticed an African American woman struggling with her entry card.

I realised she was swiping it on the wrong side, so I walked over and discreetly whispered,


'black strip down.'



...




I didn't expect her to get NAKED!




My mate bet me that I couldn't come up with a two word joke about overweight people all shouting something at the same time

Fat Chants


This is the time of year that I always think of my weird uncle.

He once entered a horse at Cheltenham.




I have some glove puppets for sale if anyone wants to take them off my hands.




I've been working to remodel the bathrooms at the service-station my brother-in-law Ron owns, and the very last thing I did was mismeasure and drill two of the holes for the toilet roll spools in the wrong places.

"As a bonus, your Establishment will now be a hotbed for a ton of Glory Hole action."




I came home early and saw her there - short skirt, go-go boots, the works. I thought, "heh", that my wife did what I asked and got the stripper for my birthday, so I went and started rubbing my cock up against her.

What a day to find my gay son chose to start dressing as a woman



Right now my 100 inch flat-screen has a huge crack in it.

Fuck knows why I'm watching this porno with huge fat girls.



Little known fact: Until a fortnight ago, Trump thought the Straits of Hormuz was a club that didn't admit queers.




I met the Godfather of Glasgow.
He made me an offer I couldn't understand.





Over the past 30 years, the average American cup size has gone from 34B to 34DD.

And that’s just the men...



The BBC sent my very-homo son as an infiltrative-reporter to the USA to "humiliate" Trumpers. Like that Bruno, he was on a camping trip with four rednecks, and in the middle of the night the little queer got out of his tent and ran pantsless to the tent of the one of the other inbreds and said, "Let me in...I thought I heard a bear or a yeti prowling out here; I'm horrified I'll wake up tomorrow with a horribly torn anus !"

"You ain't the only one"



Pi is a mathematical factor by which belt size varies.



Amazingly it actually happened at breakfast that the poncy bloke Thom in regency costume from "Thomas's English Muffins" appeared, and my wife asked him where someone wonderful like him comes from and he replied, "I come from out of your pantry."

I laughed, "You mean you come out of the closet..."




Have you ever looked up at the stars, and just thought to yourself...is there enough microplastics in my body to make a set of utensils?



It's getting daft now with this ultra woke PC bullshit. You can't even say "dictators"

You have to say, "Richard, put them spuds on"



It's now been 30 years since one of the most awful things ever to happen in this country.

The Spice Girls' debut single.



Mozart was quite the humorist in his time and back in his day black marriages were just as likely to break down. He even composed an opera about it-'The marriage of Nigaro.'




If Iran bombs the Wailing Wall, will Israelis have to bottle it up?.



I'm not saying I'm suave, but I've just watched Blazing Saddles with Eni Aluko whilst she sucked my dick and built me a railroad



The Bank of England is going to replace the image of Winston Churchill on it's notes with a picture of a beaver. I hope it's not Katie Price's!
''We're going to need a bigger note!''


What does the average paki weigh?

Sweets.




My homo son got invited to France's "The Weakest Link" for their night of "all Drag Queens". He spent almost no time studying, but rather doing his wig up in a faggoty poufy Marie Antoinette look.

After the little queer got quickly eliminated, the host said, "You spent all your time working on the outside of your head, too bad not on the inside."




How do vegans live with the fact that they are not plant-based?




How do you disgust a vegan?

Shit in their soup

[Bikkie]

My fat ex-wife once called me up angrily and randomly stormed that I "ruined her for other men."

"Really ?.... since when have black men ever had standards ?"



What do you call an old man in a cuboard??

The 1997 world hide and seek champion




On this very day, a few years ago, my dependence on anything Irish started.
Since then I've woken every day and the first thing I need is to drink
Guinness and listen to the Dubliner's or Pogues, while dressed as a leprechaun and doing a jig.

So here it is, my confession...

I've been a Craic addict for 2 years now.




"Usual Dave?" the barman
asked me.
"Actually I was watching
something on TV and it
reminded me that it's been
ages since I had a pint of
Guinness."
"Irish programme was it?"
he laughed.
"I'm not sure what it was if
I'm honest." I replied, "But I
do know that about eighty
percent of it was black."



Went to the local Irish pub for st Patrick's Day:

'What'll ya have, there, to be sure?'

'I fancy a cocktail. I'll have an Irish Car Bomb.'

'Oy! We don't serve that here! That's very offensive, so it is. '

'Oh, right. Sorry about that. I'll have a Black and Tan instead. '