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Thread: What's your sickest joke?

  1. #2686
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    Cool Sick Text Jokes

    Rabid Copperfield



    I wonder if David Copperfield can make himself disappear?




    "For my next trick, I will make this young lady's virginity and dignity DISAPPEAR!!"

  2. #2687
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My daughter bought Kamale' Harris's autobiography and has been extremely disappointed with it.

    She thought it was going to be all about her "kicking down doors," but instead it's mostly about her unzipping flies.





    Here's to nipples. Without them, Titties would be pointless.





    My Muslim pal asked me to discover the five pillars


    I've been to Ibiza, Ayia Napa, Amsterdam, Berlin and Miami - but they all seem to be into ketamine these days





    Parents say children with suspected ADHD are not getting a diagnosis quickly enough.

    Er, hello... you've answered your own question.





    I'm not saying I'm old but I used to fancy women in the 80s.

    Now I fancy women in their 80s.






    BBC News: Teenagers could be employed to fill train drivers' slots.

    and I've met a few train drivers who would love to return the favour.





    Question for any ex-Navy personnel: What is a spur lash?




    It’s the sound the anchor makes when it hits the sea.



    Today is IDAHOBIT, which apparently stands for International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia.

    I thought it was the title of Amazon's next negrified Tolkien adaptation.

  3. #2688
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    There are 3.95 billion females on this planet.

    You'd think it'd be clean by now.



    The Mile Castle, set to be the UK’s first ‘Super Spoons’, will be the largest Wetherspoons pub in the country.

    It’s so vast that after having 10 pints and walking to the toilet, you’ll be sober by the time you return to the bar.





    'Alcohol abuse costs UK 27 billion pounds a year'

    Yeah, it's about time the pubs lowered their prices.




    They asked 1 million American woman..

    " Would you sleep with Tiger Woods "?....
    Half of them said " Never again " !





    The British Museum was closed for two hours today, as staff tried to free an Asian kid from a knight's suit.

    Talk about a chink in their armour.




    " New Vatican Guidlines on Supernatural , to root out Baloney "

    I'm too busy laughing to provide a punch-line.




    Scottie Scheffler was handcuffed by police after ignoring a traffic stop near the Louisville PGA Championship course.

    Not his greatest ever drive.




    Hoover to close its factory in Merthyr Tydfil after 60 years.

    That'll create a vacuum...






    My girlfriend is rather pissed off with me right now, since I was caught wanking during her balance beam routine.





    What is Phil Collins' chat up line?

    I Can Feel Cummin In Your Hair Tonight








    Remember! If you are going out to the pub this evening for a night of heavy drinking and you are worried that you might forget something - just think 'WOWEE'.

    (W)allet
    Ph(O)ne
    (W)keys
    (E)gg
    Spare (E)gg

  4. #2689
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    What do you call a pair of Irish poofs?

    Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.




    What do you call a pair of Scottish poofs?

    Ben Doon and Phil McCracken.




    What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

    Angus McCoatup.




    "It's time to test the smoke alarm, " I said to my missus.

    "It's 9:am on a Sunday morning, just fucking ask for breakfast like any normal bloke will you. "




    Just looking at the latest Royal Family "at home" snaps, aren't they great! You can see the likeness

    In particular, there's quite a lot of Prince Andrew in Princess Charlott



    ProTip for any cashiers out there. When handing over change, first place the coins in my hand, and then the bills on top. I trust your math skills




    Elvira, Mistress of the Dark star Cassandra Peterson revealed in an interview that she lost her virginity to Welsh crooner Tom Jones.

    Apparently he was very well-endowed and quite rough with her; in fact, she had to get stitches afterwards.

    When he called her the next day she sang, 'Forgive my vagina, it just couldn't take any more.'



    Scousers think one of Sir Tom Jones' songs is him singing about a girl named Dely to his mate.






    Despite a fortune of over $400m, Jon Bon Jovi washes dishes at his New Jersey restaurants, where the homeless eat free forever.

    It looks like he's slippery when wet while his customers are livin' on a prayer.




    Where's Sebastian from The Little Mermaid buried?

    Under DC.




    Gypsy Alfie Best has an empire worth £947million.

    I bet he knows a lucky Heather.




    How do women football players cope when they turn up to a match and all the other women are wearing the same outfit?




    Tell me your best King Charles joke. I'm all ears





    My defense of "better out than in" didn't go down to well at my trial for flashing.



    If Max Factor have managed to develop a mascara that makes your eyelashes look up to three times longer then why aren’t they developing condoms?





    “Labour plan to bring in drug tests for Politicians.”

    They’re taking the piss surely?





    If a white man gets dreadlocks, it is cultural appropriation, racism, he should kneel, apologize and even pay. And if a black man lives in a house made of bricks and not shit, then everything is fine.



    With Meghan Markle's presidential-like visit to her homeland of Nigeria, she is destined for the Oval Office.

    Is there nothing she won't do to meet King Charles?




    Undeterred

    What you find when you fart and follow through




    Paddy goes to his work one Monday morning and says to his workmates,
    my best friend Mick dropped dead on Saturday.
    He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day,
    he just dropped dead.

    His workmates said... "Jesus Paddy what happened?"
    Paddy said.... his parachute didn't open!




    Got a new job making incomplete clocks.

    It's only part time.





    Paradox: Contray to expection.

    Like,how as you grow
    older you'd love to date
    a young,hot chick.But
    the young,hot chicks
    who would agree to date
    a substantially older
    guy,you don't want to
    go fucking near because
    they're always mental...





    One of my earliest
    memories is building
    sandcastles with my
    grandad.
    Then mum put the urn up
    high.





    My father used to say
    "Time is the best healer."
    Great bloke,terrible A&E
    consultant.





    Man walks into a library
    and asks for a book on
    turtles.
    "Hardback?" says the
    Librarian.
    "Yeah and little heads."





    My wife says and does the
    nicest things.
    Just this morning she
    said,"I'm leaving you and
    taking the kids."





    I was on a date last night.
    When the bill came,the
    lady said we should go
    Dutch.
    So I sold her into the sex
    trade and went and rolled
    a joint.





    My dad's favourite saying was:
    'The first cut is the deepest.'
    Lovely man,terrible surgeon.




    At this stage of my life,
    I'm God's gift to women
    if they swung by a thrift
    store right before closing.





    During a long lonely
    hike in the Rockies over
    summer,Bear Grylls had
    the misfortune to come
    face to face with an angry
    grizzly bear,somehow he
    managed to survive the
    ordeal.
    Afterwards,when
    interviewed by National
    Geographic,the bear
    admitted that he was
    somewhat surprised by
    the sudden encounter but
    he had finally solved the
    age old problem of 'does
    man shit himself in the
    woods'.

  5. #2690
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Tyson fury 3 days ago "I'm the greatest heavyweight that's ever lived!"


    Erm.....you pot twated by a Ukrainian dwarf?





    Man walks into doctors surgery
    Doctor says, "well sir we have narrowed things down, your wife either has alzheimers or AIDS"
    Man says," well how do we know which one?"
    Doctor says "hmmm, tell you what, drop the bitch at the edge of town, if she finds her way home dont fuck her".




    Coming back from holiday Got stopped at Heathrow by border security. The guy says "do you have any drugs, firearms or indecent pictures of minors.
    I'd said yes, he said which do you have, I said the last one you mentioned but only one picture I keep it for sentimental value. He looked at me angrily and asked me to show him. So I rummage through my bag and got out the picture. I said it's my grandad with his cock out down the coal mine.......
    he always was a bit of a prankster.




    I told a lesbian friend that from the back I thought she was balding.

    She thanked me and said I'm not the first to spot the resemblance.




    A study has just been published about microplastics being found in every sample of human and canine testicles they tested.

    I'm glad someone had the balls to investigate.





    Kevin Mcloud has a new series where he talks to people who renovate their elderly female relatives.

    Gran designs





    I remember playing a
    game called Downfall
    when I was young.It was
    a game we got from a
    charity shop.
    Today I think of Downfall
    as an entirely dofferent
    kind of game,which
    involes pushing niggers
    off a bridge.





    In a new sex survey,40%
    of couples say they have
    sex 3 or 4 times a week.
    The other 60% are
    married...





    There are some sayings I
    hate to hear.
    "Go Big or Go Home is
    THE worst.
    If I hear that again
    from one more bloody
    prostitute...





    British Rail used to be
    much better.They say
    in the mid-seventies if
    you were travelling on an
    intercity 125,you could
    set a 50 pence coin on
    its edge on a table at the
    start of a journey,and it'd
    still be there at the end.
    Not now
    ...these days,some nigger
    would nick it.





    Four old men sitting in a
    room.

    First man: "So the people
    can say whatever they
    want?"

    Second man: spitting out
    his baccy,"Yup"

    Third : "Ok let's give
    them all guns


    Fourth man: "Everyone
    sign up now please,this
    countrys gonna be fuckin
    great"

    ...and so the American
    constitution was
    written,,,and everyone
    lived happily ever
    afterwards,or perhaps
    not.





    So sick of seeing all the
    blacks on TV.So I've
    decided to create a show
    they couldn't possibly
    appear in.
    My father and me.




    One time when we finally
    took a long holiday to
    spain,we charted a
    boat for a few days to
    do some fishing far out
    in the Mediterranean.
    and it so happened that
    when we were out there and
    seeing all the dinghies and
    everything and refugees
    in the water,seeingthis
    situation we turned our
    fishing into grabbing them
    out with hooks and taking
    them onto our boat!
    All the sub-saharan sand
    niggers were absolutely
    fucking livid though when
    we dropped them right
    back in the saltwater,and
    as they glowered at me I
    just said,"our policy has
    always been catch-and-release."





    There was a time when
    I was 15 years old I went
    through a phase where
    I seriously wished I was black.

    My father made me
    spend all summer
    cleaning out the cellar
    and the garage,besides
    making me get a job I
    didn't fucking want at his
    golf course as a caddy
    carrying around the clubs
    for all his prick mates;
    and I wished I could be
    like Leroy down the street,
    who always seemed to
    have not a care in the
    world and who's father
    fucked off years ago.

  6. #2691
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    Smile Sick text jokes

    I feel so sorry for the next
    generation growing up in
    Scotland if the SNP make
    law their new hate crime
    Bill and gender recognition
    act-where you can legally
    change your gender at will,
    with no checks, doctors
    agreement or anything...

    "Doctor, we've been unable
    to conceive a baby"

    "They'd because your both
    biologically male"

    "No, I'm a man and my
    wife is a woman"

    "No, your wife is
    biologically male"

    "Biologically? What's that?
    She's not a man"

    "It's a taboo science thing,
    it explains how men and
    women reproduce"

    "But I'm a man and she's
    a woman.You need a
    man and a woman to
    reproduce,we learned that
    at school"

    "No, you're both
    have penises and testes"

    "No, I'm a man with a
    penis and my wife is a
    woman with a penis.And
    everyone knows men can
    have babies anyway"

    "Yes but those men who
    have babies are actually
    biologically women"

    "OMG!!! I'm reporting you
    to the police for a hate
    crime and I demand a
    second opinion from
    a doctor who is not a
    transphobe!"

  7. #2692
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Scatman John goes into a barbers and says, "I want a number two all over."





    A palm reader once told me my cock would be like my fingers, long and thin.

    She was half right.




    Global tennis icon Venus Williams has been given her own Barbie doll in a new range that champions female athletes.

    Her arse is sold separately.





    Ireland, Spain and Norway recognise the state of Palestine.

    ‘Hey, didn’t we meet last year at the Feynman bar mitzvah?’

    Credit to Robin Williams





    Why is oral sex with a pensioner like eating a pork pie?

    You have to bite off the crust and suck out the jelly before you get to the meat....




    It is just before Man City Vs Man Utd in the FA cup final at Wembley.

    Haaland goes into the Man City changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
    "What's up?" he asks.
    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
    Haaland looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

    So Haaland goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Man City 2 - Man Utd 0 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes)". He is beating Man Utd all by himself!

    Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV back on.
    "Result from Wembley Stadium "Man City 2 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes) - Man Utd 1"(Bruno Fernandes 89 minutes)".
    They can't believe it, he has single handedly beat Manchester United!!

    They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
    "I've let you down, I've let you down."
    "Don't be daft, you beat Man Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
    "No, No, I have, I've let you down...
    I got sent off after 12 minutes!”






    For those of you who missed the rare atmospheric spectacle last week, experts say don't worry as there is a good chance you will once again be able to see sunlight in parts of the UK this coming weekend.






    You know you were brought up in the Eighties when being on the spectrum meant playing Jet Set Willy.





    The definition of disgusting is kissing your grandmother and getting tongue.



    Avoid being harassed by pesky wasps this summer by popping a dollop of strawberry jam on a small child




    In a café this morning, I said to the woman serving, "May I have a tea bag?"

    She told me to sit at a table and after a few minutes, she brought it over.

    "What's this?" I asked.

    "It's what you wanted," she replied, "a tea bag."

    "No it isn't," I added, "I said I'd like a tea, you old bag."



    Two friends, Jimmy and Steve are out for a Sunday drive. The lights ahead turn red and Jimmy steams right through the intersection. Steve is mortified. ‘Relax amigo,’ reassures Jimmy, ‘my brother Johnny does that all the time.’ A few blocks down, the lights turn red and Jimmy cruises on through it. Steve is aghast. “You did it again!’ ‘Take it easy bro, my brother does it all the time.’ They drive on and the next light turns green and Jimmy screeches to a halt. ‘What the blue fck is going on!’ shouts Steve, ‘the light’s green!’ Jimmy looks to the right. ‘Yeah, I know man, but my brother might be coming the other way.’

    Source: Quora.




    My trampoline business in Prague got in to trouble.

    Too many Czech's bouncing.





    I just discovered the perfect little vacuum cleaner for my gypsy caravan: the Dyson Fury.

  8. #2693
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bikkie View Post
    Scatman John goes into a barbers and says, "I want a number two all over."





    A palm reader once told me my cock would be like my fingers, long and thin.

    She was half right.




    Global tennis icon Venus Williams has been given her own Barbie doll in a new range that champions female athletes.

    Her arse is sold separately.





    Ireland, Spain and Norway recognise the state of Palestine.

    ‘Hey, didn’t we meet last year at the Feynman bar mitzvah?’

    Credit to Robin Williams





    Why is oral sex with a pensioner like eating a pork pie?

    You have to bite off the crust and suck out the jelly before you get to the meat....




    It is just before Man City Vs Man Utd in the FA cup final at Wembley.

    Haaland goes into the Man City changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
    "What's up?" he asks.
    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
    Haaland looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

    So Haaland goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Man City 2 - Man Utd 0 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes)". He is beating Man Utd all by himself!

    Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV back on.
    "Result from Wembley Stadium "Man City 2 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes) - Man Utd 1"(Bruno Fernandes 89 minutes)".
    They can't believe it, he has single handedly beat Manchester United!!

    They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
    "I've let you down, I've let you down."
    "Don't be daft, you beat Man Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
    "No, No, I have, I've let you down...
    I got sent off after 12 minutes!”






    For those of you who missed the rare atmospheric spectacle last week, experts say don't worry as there is a good chance you will once again be able to see sunlight in parts of the UK this coming weekend.






    You know you were brought up in the Eighties when being on the spectrum meant playing Jet Set Willy.





    The definition of disgusting is kissing your grandmother and getting tongue.



    Avoid being harassed by pesky wasps this summer by popping a dollop of strawberry jam on a small child




    In a café this morning, I said to the woman serving, "May I have a tea bag?"

    She told me to sit at a table and after a few minutes, she brought it over.

    "What's this?" I asked.

    "It's what you wanted," she replied, "a tea bag."

    "No it isn't," I added, "I said I'd like a tea, you old bag."



    Two friends, Jimmy and Steve are out for a Sunday drive. The lights ahead turn red and Jimmy steams right through the intersection. Steve is mortified. ‘Relax amigo,’ reassures Jimmy, ‘my brother Johnny does that all the time.’ A few blocks down, the lights turn red and Jimmy cruises on through it. Steve is aghast. “You did it again!’ ‘Take it easy bro, my brother does it all the time.’ They drive on and the next light turns green and Jimmy screeches to a halt. ‘What the blue fck is going on!’ shouts Steve, ‘the light’s green!’ Jimmy looks to the right. ‘Yeah, I know man, but my brother might be coming the other way.’

    Source: Quora.




    My trampoline business in Prague got in to trouble.

    Too many Czech's bouncing.





    I just discovered the perfect little vacuum cleaner for my gypsy caravan: the Dyson Fury.
    do you do live shows as you have an incredible style in writing diverse jokes, most people just have one style these days?

  9. #2694
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    I think the FA Cup final will be
    closer than most people think
    Man City will probably only
    win 6 or 7 nil.


    I went to a film festival in
    Southern France where
    they also served alcohol.
    "In Cannes?"
    "No,pint glasses."


    If you want to feel good
    about yourself,do a good
    deed but don't upload
    the video.


    After the # fa cup today,# Manchester United
    will be planting potatoes at their
    stadium.
    It's the only thing that will be lifting
    next season.

  10. #2695
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    Quote Originally Posted by jellywrestler View Post
    do you do live shows as you have an incredible style in writing diverse jokes, most people just have one style these days?
    No live shows.Sorry to disappoint!

  11. #2696
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Prince George burst into tears at Wembley on Saturday, he was seen tugging at the cup handle as it was presented to the Man U captain, he was heard to whimper "no grandad, no !"




    Why are black people's hands white?

    Everyone has a bit of good in them.





    A judge has ruled that the man on the Clapham Omnibus would think calling Jeremy Vine 'Bike Nonce' means he is a Paedo and is defamatory.

    That's why he'll always be Le Nonce de le bicyclette, to me,



    Nicki Minaj arrested at Schiphol Airport.

    Apparently her suitcase contained a false bottom.

    Credit: Alas Smith & Jones




    Manchester City are facing 115 charges by the FA.

    If found guilty, they'll be relegated so far down the tables they'll end up playing in the Scottish league.





    Never mind Man City, it's one less trophy to be taken off you when all your titles and cups are taken away.



    If man city make a come back and win the f.a. cup Everton will qualify for a 3 point deduction next season




    Manchester have won the f.a. cup I should have put a bet on it





    Plymouth Argyle announce Rooney as new manager.

    "We wanted someone with great tactical awareness who commands respect throughout the game," said Simon Hallett, "and a first class managerial track record."

    "Unfortunately," he added, "we couldn't find anyone like that so we approached Wayne instead."




    Wayne Rooney has been appointed as the new manager of Plymouth Argyle on a three-year deal.

    He will spend his time between coaching and the Ernstell House Nursing Home.





    Wayne Rooney has been appointed as the new manager of Plymouth Argyle on a three-year deal.

    He said, 'We'll need to dig deep if we want to be in League 2'.






    Chuck Norris has admitted to using stunt doubles in his movies, but only for the crying parts.





    Headline: Samantha Cameron on her love of flowers and David’s green fingers.

    Does David like to copper feel?

  12. #2697
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    My latest Girlfriend has dwarfism.
    Turns out She can be quite devious.

    I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her!




    If you spend all of your spare time making belts out of old watch straps, would that be a waist of time?





    Just bought a 75 inch TV to watch the Premier League season next season I've just opened the box and there are no Leeds....






    Manchester United won the 2023/4 FA Cup. Spend your £2m prize money wisely.




    I kept pulling up short to the greens playing golf.

    My partner suggested using an extra club on each shot.

    That made it worse.

    Trying to swing with a pitching wedge and a driver in your hands is fucking hard.




    The wife was cheering an act on Britain's Got Talent. I said, "I could do that."

    She replied, "Go on then."

    So I sat down and cheered next to her.

  13. #2698
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    Meghan MarkleL: 43% Nigerian; 100% cunt.




    My wife's up for some humiliation in the bedroom tonight !!

    She's sitting on the bed with her laptop making pro-Biden posts.




    If you put a cucumber near a cat, it'll jump out of its skin.

    Note to self; don't paint your cock green.




    They say your first car is as memorable as your first kiss.
    Mine was an old banger that had been round the block more than a few times and stank of piss....

    .......can't for the life of me remember what the car was though!





    My dad slaved 12 hours a day to put food on the table.

    I've never met anyone who cooked so fucking slowly.




    Q: "What's got eight legs and hides in trees?"

    "I don't know "

    A: A snooker table.

    "I've never seen a snooker table in a tree!"

    "They're very good at hiding "




    I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
    People have accused me of just trying
    to make a fast buck..





    Courtney Love of course used to be in the alternative band Hole

    The name of which was inspired by her late husband's head




    If Donald Trump goes to jail,
    He will be a dick taker from day one.



    How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?

    When her first words are, "A man once told me..."




    A game changer for men ?
    Guys, if you want an intelligent, brief conversation with women, get an Amazon Alexa.

  14. #2699
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    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    A Starbucks barista wrote on my coffee that she's pansexual and sexually ambiguous with all genders.

    I then suggest we go in the toilets and she suck me off and somehow THAT gets me a lifetime ban ?



    I've no objection to it being Pride Month.
    I just don't want it rammed down my throat...




    There is a new orgy activity called 'The Donald'.

    It's where you get fucked by 12 strangers.




    Harry Kane won the European Golden Boot for leading goal scorer.

    Something else Spurs can't put in their small drinks, erm, trophy cabinet.




    I managed to bargain with Gemma Collins to go out with me


    Piece of cake




    At my age a drink with my friends is more like a biology-lesson with a beer.




    Experts: To be successful, surround yourself with successful people.

    So I named my kids Musk, Zuckerberg and Bezos.





    Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has submitted a petition to a Los Angeles court to drop Pitt from her name.

    I'd have thought that was the last bit she'd want to change.





    The 12 jurors in Donald Trump's hush-money trial were asked what they thought of Stormy Daniels


    3 said they preferred her anal flicks, but the others liked the video of her banging that fat orange twat with the tiny cock





    Prince Andrew must repaint Windsor Royal Lodge with two coats of paint every five years or Charles threatens to evict him.

    It's difficult, as he's on the register and cannot be any closer to Windsor Girls School.




    "Can I help you Sir?"
    "I'm looking for a gold digger,do you have any in stock?"
    "We have two Sir,there's the white version, called the 'Lucy Beaumont' It comes from the North and makes strange guttural noises,or the Black version called the 'Megan Markle'.It originates from Nigeria and is prone to delusional breakdowns every 50 miles"

    "I think I'll leave it Thank you"




    "If only my son had made more capital rather than writing about it."

    Karl Marx's mother




    A woman takes her car to a garage and said to the mechanic "Everytime I turn the ignition on, there's a terrible whining noise that's driving me mad!"
    The mechanic gets in,and within seconds he says " Found the problem ,I've taken your Taylor Swift C.D out"......



    Willie Nelson. Great singer,

    devastating wrestling hold..




    I'm Not sure Trump can win now the task seems impossible...


    Ronnie O'sullivan just needs one more frame.





    My girlfriend runs a kiosk in the local park that sells batteries.

    She sells C cells by the seesaw




    My wife said that sex is better on holiday.....

    .......not the best postcard I've ever received.




    An engineer has built a bug trap that catches its prey, then beats it with four sticks.

    It only works on black beetles though.





    Well known hooker reported to be working for free.
    Stormy Daniel’s give the entire country a happy ending



    On Jan 6th 2021, Trump would have liked it if Mike Pence was hung.

    I imagine that, as a porn actress, Stormy Daniels would have liked it if Donald Trump was hung, but based on the size of his tiny hands...



    Nicki Minaj being arrested for having weed in Amsterdam is like me being arrested for having a knife in London.




    I have the best convictions. The most convictions, more convictions than every other President in history put together. Believe me, nobody gets felony convictions better than me.





    Donald Trump, could be the only convicted criminal to be voted in as President of the USA.

    It would make him the most honest president they have ever had, as all the rest of the corrupt fuckers remain unconvicted.





    'Knock Knock'
    'Who's there?'
    'The Liberal Democrats '
    'The Liberal Democrats who?'

    That's politics.....




    If you're gonna commit a crime, attach a couple of fake fingers to your hands...
    That way if you get busted and they try showing camera footage in court, you can argue that the photo is a.i. generated




    If 'pissed off' means angry, is that why everyone in porn is so happy when they get pissed on?




    I don't do cocaine.

    I just like how it smells.




    Something's wrong with the Range Rover EVOQUE I bought.

    It's not an electric vehicle.

    And who thought up the name OQUE?





    I was watching porn earlier on my phone and saw some fat bloke with a small cock wanking in the background...put me right off.

    Then I noticed it was my reflection.




    Who does Pennywise the clown call when his laptop has broken?

    I.T support.





    'Britain's Got Talent' The only place you'll find a nigger called 'Innocent'.....



    Watching BGT the other night, my missus said, "Doesn't Amanda Holden's daughter look like her?"

    "Yeah but I bet her arse and twat are a LOT tighter." I replied.

    She's still not talking to me.





    My American friend, from the deep South, phoned me and said he was worried because he'd just had sex with his third cousin.

    "That's not too bad," I told him, "I wouldn't worry."

    "But what if she tells the other two?," he said.



    In the News: Ex-Post Office boss, Paula Vennells , has been accused of being in la-la land.

    'I've never starred in any Movies with Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone' she said.




    I found a dead frog in my pond.

    He had Kermitted suicide.





    All I'm saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert he could have given the horse a name.




    I wish I could have a penis reduction like women have a breast reduction.

    Said no man ever.




    Men should leave their child with a bear rather than a single mother. Hear me out.

    A bear never left a child alone to go party In Florida.

    A bear never lied about the paternity of a child.

    A bear never used child support money for their hair and nails.

    A bear never made false accusations against a man out of spite.

    A bear never brought every person they talked to around the children.

    A bear never let a child starve while they left to go get high.




    Just saw the new Star Wars trailer,

    What happened to all the white Jedi ?




    What do Daleks scream at the gay Dr. Who?

    "Exfoliate!"





    Apparently you can be fined in Germany for calling a police officer "du" rather than "Sie" - this is like "tu" rather than "vous" in French.

    So remember, it's not "Fick dich", but "Ficken Sie sich!"




    The Muslims men in Wales are reopening the coal shafts,

    Apparently they've heard it will attract a lot of miner's..





    An album so rare and valuable ... Once Upon a Time in Shaolin - recorded in secret by the Wu-Tang Clan over six years - was designed to be a piece of fine art. Only a single CD copy exists.

    Made in China, and there's no copies?...



    "Look at this!" exclaimed my mate, slapping his copy of the Sun. "Katie Price has taken up golf and is planning to enter a major tournament."

    "Ryder Cup?"

    "No, but I'd come on her tits."

  15. #2700
    Join Date
    21st June 2016 - 08:52
    Bike
    1976 Honda 125
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    5

    Smile Sick Text Jokes

    new characters added to Mr Men and Little Miss books.

    Can't wait for little Miss Gender





    Our local aircraft museum has gone Pride and LGBTQ+ crazy in recent weeks.

    Even half the planes are bi.





    One of those Asian hornets flew up my bellend earlier and I'm currently sitting on a hospital trolley watching gangrene creep up my shaft, while this intravenous morphine isn't even touching the sides of my searing agony


    But hey this is still funnier than Michael McIntyre




    I was walking through London and this couple came up to me.

    'Excuse me,' they said, 'do you know the Battersea Dogs Home.'

    'No, I didn't even know the Battersea Dog had been away.'



    Britain's got talent?



    The final of Britain once had talent was on the box last night.
    The wild card entry was given to the dogs.

    It's good to have Alesha and Amanda back!





    Meghan Markle says she is 'deeply humbled' by her new Nigerian name and thanks Yoruba King for welcoming her and Prince Harry.

    They even asked how white your baby is.




    Just been watching the world strongman competition on telly, and I'm really appalled by the total lack of any stunning and brave trans men taking part ! It just stinks of bigotry that they're not letting any women who identify as men lift those 100 to 160kg atlas stones, or squat lift 400kg !

    More importantly, where are all the trans rights groups protesting this !!!!





    There's 2 typos of peoples in this world those who always noticing spelling & grammatical errands, & them who doesn't.




    Football trivia. If the Leeds United team that won the 100th Anniversary FA cup final in 1972, 52 years ago, were to take on the England Lionesses who won the 2022 European championship, with all the advances in fitness, diet and media coverage, football fans would still remember who was in the Leeds team.





    There are approximately 400 billion birds on the planet and a quarter of a million planes but only one Superman.

    So, in answer to your question, it’s more than likely going to be a bird.



    I'm not surprised the Chinese are so inclined to ridicule Donald Trump.

    "We build far far better wall!"





    Full marks to Rein for getting funding for a hard-core porno film from the Scottish Arts Council, but now it has been withdrawn, the German Kunst programs might be a soft touch, or even the USA could come up trumps?

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